Audrey Stevenson, Margaret Leo, Brendon Kelly, Pray for Us

I just read some lovely articles about three extraordinary children who lived saintly lives in the midst of terrible sufferings. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theanchoress/2013/07/27/too-much-earthly-dross-heres-your-palate-cleanser/

I was very inspired by these articles. I have some minor pain and fatigue from FM/CFS, and I've gained a lot of weight. I have spent a lot of time regretting that I can't go walking or do other things that I used to do. With God's help and grace, I'm going to start offering things up again. There's so many things to pray for, but I think that I'll stick to my consecration to the BVM and offer it up for her intentions. That will be enough.

Still enjoying my Divine Office. Plan on getting up at 7 starting tomorrow, so that I can go to daily mass. (That will give me some stuff to offer up right away! Ha!) Audrey Stevenson, Margaret Leo, Brendan Kelly, pray for me to be faithful to daily mass and office, and to start living the little way! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I Love the Liturgy of the Hours/Divine Office!

Well, it's been almost two weeks since I posted. I had gone so long without anything I wanted to say, blogging for exercise rather than ideas, that I decided not to blog again until I really wanted to say something. Having been to an oblate retreat at Holy Angels Convent, I am ready to blog again.

I was very apprehensive about the retreat. I worried about my ability to negotiate the large building because of my FM/CFS, about whether or not I would LIKE it, my ability to make the 3.5 hour drive, etc. I was just a bundle of fears. When I arrived, I was provided with a wheel chair, and someone pushed me to my room. I then went to chapel, and sat visiting with God. I felt so relaxed and at home. My old novice mistress remembered me! and the last surviving junior sister of my group remembered me, too! I got lots of ideas out of the presentations, including the need to journal (as I am doing now), and the need to take little opportunities to order my life by ordering my environment. I'm very much looking forward to the October retreat!

As soon as I arrived home, I went to Amazon and ordered the breviary (?) that the nuns use for the Liturgy of the Hours. It arrived yesterday, and I fumbled through the Ordo. At first I didn't think I could do it, but as the day progressed I found that I can do it, and stopped worrying that I wasn't doing what the nuns do. I'll straighten everything out once I receive the Ordo from the Oblate Directress. In the meantime, I am finding a great deal of peace in praying the Office. In fact, it's time to pray, so I'm closing this entry.

Nervous About the Retreat

What do I write about today? I'm a little down for some reason. I think I'm nervous about my upcoming retreat at Holy Angels (my old convent). I'm afraid that I'll be overwhelmed physically. But right now I'm realizing that I can go home anytime I want to. I don't have to have anyone's approval. I may also find that, using a wheelchair like I use my little kitchen stool, I can do it without any problems. Wouldn't that be nice???

That's pretty much everything going on with me.

Accedia and Me

Yesterday I was praying about how I can't seem to engage my will and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I looked at my bookshelf and saw a book by Kathleen Norris on, you guessed it!, accedia!!!! Started reading it and it fits what I've been going through to a tee. So glad to have a name, and a strategy to use on this temptation. So last night, I went to bed at 10 and got up at 7. I feel like a limp dishrag, but I have already accomplished several tasks that I was having problems engaging.

Other than feeling like a limp dishrag, I don't have much to say. Closing this down, and praying that God will continue to save me from this spiritual illness.

Ramblin' On.

Well, I stayed up until midnight (actually until 12:30) last night. Forgot about offering it up for the nephew. Will keep praying and trying to respond to God's Grace.

Watched some documentaries on teenagers doing Irish Dancing, teenagers doing jazz dancing, and teenagers at a camp for the performing arts. All three made me really glad that I'm not raising a teenager! What a LOT of drama! All drama all the time, it was exhausting to watch.

Actually, the Irish dancing teenagers were really well balanced and non-dramatic. Maybe because they regard it as an expensive hobby that gives them so much joy (these guys were competing for the world cup, so they and their families were totally committed to what they were doing!). One family had moved from California to England so that their son could pursue his dream of winning the world cup. It was inspiring to see them work so hard, be grateful to their loving parents (two moms worked full-time and their wages paid for the child's Irish Dancing expenses). Another group of Russian women did this as a hobby. One woman said that half of her earnings went into paying the expenses.

The thing that was wonderful was that there are no cash prizes, nothing to motivate someone to do this, except for the love of the sport, and the love of their child. That was wonderful.

Try, Try, Again

Exercised and prayed yesterday, and felt much better. So, of course, I'm procrastinating before starting my routine today. I feel like St. Paul, "That which I would do, I do not do". I guess it must be part of the human condition. I think the trick is to start rising at seven, going to mass, praying and exercising, and then getting on with the rest of my day. I have set the alarm for tomorrow, so we'll see. In order to succeed, I will have to go to bed by 10 tonight.

That's the problem right there. I start getting wired up and by the time it's bedtime, I want to watch more TV. So no problem! I just need to make it non-negotiable. God, please help me!!!!! Thanks, God, for pointing out that I can offer it up for my nephew, who is looking for work.

Okay, so I have motive, method, and opportunity! Let's see how I do today.

Just Do It!

Been struggling the last two or three days with not wanting to do anything. I haven't been exercising, praying, doing spiritual reading, showering, blogging, or taking out the trash. I want today to be different, so I'm going to start with blogging and exercising, and then move down through the list.

This morning I have read a lot about gay people. I've never felt judgemental or alienated from gay people. I have found most of the gays I've met to be very likeable. I submit to the Church's teachings about the need to abstain from gay sex, just as I submit to her teachings about the need to abstain from any sexual intercourse that isn't between a married man and woman who are open to procreation as a part of their sexual expression. When I look at it that way, I can plainly see that there is no prejudice towards gays in the Church's teaching. Chastity in any walk in life will include a cross, but there is also spiritual growth and salvation in living chastely in any walk in life.

I want to start consciously embracing the crosses in my own life. I can do that with my food plan, with the FM/CFS, with living alone, etc. I can offer up the things that are painful for people who are bearing much harder crosses. I can offer up staying on my food plan for people who are starving and watching their children starve. I can offer up the pain of exercising with FM/CFS for the people who are in pain with cancer, arthritis, old age, or more intense cases of FM/CFS. I can offer up staying on my schedule when I don't want to for Christians in China who are being imprisoned and murdered for their organs and Christians in the middle East who are being murdered for their faith.

Okay, the talk is easy, but the living is hard, so I'm going to close this one out and start living my talk.

Not much to say at all

Boy! Did I have a great time visiting with my brothers and sisters yesterday! Not all of them could come, but all of us 'little kids' were there, and a fun time was had by all. Also got to know my niece, Margery, a little better as an adult. That was really nice, too.

Not a whole lot more to say, today. I'm exhausted, so I'm going to call my big sister to wish her happy birthday and then I think that I'll take a nap!

I don't think a title exists for this melange of writing topics!

I don't have any idea to write about today, so I'm just putting fingers to keys and moving along to see what happens.

I'm embarrassed to talk about what I watch on tv or what I read on my catholic blogs all the time, but most of the time it's the most interesting thing that I do. I want to be able to say that my prayer and meditation period is the most interesting, but that's not true. I get some insights during that period, but that's about all. I have started writing 1/2 page in a prayer journal page every morning. I think it's going to be helpful to me, but I doubt that there will be anything to report on or rehash in my blog.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't have to worry about being boring in my blog. The only person who reads it is my sister, Moira, and she already knows that I'm boring! So I can just be myself and write about the first thing, if any, that comes to mind.

Just read my niece-in-law's journal about the twins. She is such a neat person. And my nephew is turning out to be a great dad, too. I really enjoy her blog. She is an exceptionally good writer, so it's always a pleasure to read. And I love hearing about their lives. It makes me feel closer to them.

My fast from fiction days have turned me into a Flying Wild Alaska fanatic. I feel like one of those weirdos that decides they know people because they've read their book, or watched their tv series, but I feel like watching their tv series has made me know these people! I laugh at the funny things they say and do, I sit with bated breath when they are in danger, I feel compassion for the ones who are suffering. Go figure, I turned into one of those people living in their mommy's basement and learning to speak Klingon.

I've also started watching Big Cat Diary and Meerkat Manor: the Next Generation. I'm always really rooting for these animals' survival, and when Rocketdog can't find a burrow to give birth to her pups, I'm actually praying to God to help her find one. (This season was taped in 2008, so Rocketdog's pups probably have burrows of their own now! Just pitiful, I know....). God helped her, and she will birth her pups in a safe place.

Well, enough of my interminable ramblings about people and places I don't know. I wish I knew what kind of impact the Fortnight for Freedom had on the current administration's attempts to disembowel the civil rights of the Church and devout Christians who own businesses. God, please protect us and our civil rights.

Not much going on

I am happy to know that they are going to canonize Pope John xxiii and Pope John Paul ii. They are two of my favorite guys to go to for prayers. Both of them were so warm and approachable, and now I know that I'm right in calling them saintly. They are saints before God!!!

I was reading about Lectio Divina this AM. I don't think I do such a good job at this because I tend to read too fast. Probably because I have built my morning reading list back up to almost ten different books. Time to weed them out, but that always triggers me to worry that I am setting aside the wrong book. These are the times when I wish I were less neurotic, and/or better at discerning what God wants me to do. 

Going to try and call Sr. Mary John this PM and get some info on the upcoming retreat. 

All have fallen short of the glory of God

Just finished a blog by The Anchoress about pro-abortion protesters responding to pro-life protestors' rendition of Amazing Grace with chants of "hail, satan". It makes me sad that these people are so ignorant of spiritual realities that they would invoke that name. They really don't know what they are doing. They are so assured that it's correct and cool not to believe in God, that they use this chant for shock value. If they saw a baby in the womb, and then saw it being torn apart or writhing in pain while chemicals are being used to murder it, I'm convinced that they would be completely repelled. I think that they would immediately turn from pro-abortion to pro-life.

It happened to me when I was pregnant. An ultrasound and a physical examination showed that something was wrong. When we were told that she might be Down's Syndrome, I agreed with my lover to seek an abortion, but I told him that we would be damned to hell for killing our child. I went into the bedroom and prayed that God would not force me to make a life and death decision for the baby.

We didn't take any action on the abortion, but started going to specialists who were monitoring the baby's growth and trying to figure out what was happening to her. I was put on bedrest because they thought that the baby wasn't getting enough nutrition. It was terrible to know that she was starving to death and there was nothing I could do to help her. She finally died, and I went through years of grieving. That grieving broke my pride and opened me up to the possibility that I might be wrong about God and what He wants from us. That people who obeyed the magisterium, the traditions, and the teachings of the Church might not be deluded, but instead were on the right path, the secure way to union with God and eternal happiness with Him in Heaven. It took years before I finally completely surrendered to the Church, but that is the big gift that God and my baby gave to me through the means of her death.

After my baby died, my sister gave me a wonderful book on grieving the death of a child. As I read it, I found out that 35,000 women a day lose a baby or a child to miscarriage, abortion, sickness, starvation, etc. I also found out that they all experience the same grief that I was experiencing, EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY WERE PREGNANT until they lost the child. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to face that pain and know that I had CHOSEN to murder my baby. I suffered enough guilt just knowing that I had been willing to end her life to keep from displeasing my lover. Since that time I have regarded abortion as murder of a child, and have felt so sorry for the women who are convinced, or forced, or frightened into joining the ranks of the 35,000 women a day who enter the ranks of those who are grieving the loss of a child. I also started feeling sorry for the people who participate in murdering a child because of the damage they are doing to their psyches and their souls with every murder.

I still believe that this is a nation of kind people who are being deceived into accepting this unspeakably cruel practice. Although when I look at teenagers attacking one another with cruel posts on facebook, etc.,  it does shake my faith in them a little. Maybe there's just a lack of empathy created by never having suffered disappointment, being less than, etc. I don't know. However, even if they are genuinely mean, if they are taking pleasure in someone else's pain, I wager that they still don't know that there are terrible spiritual consequences to being cruel, to killing, to judging, etc.

My part in all of this is to continue to pray to the God of Love, who loves them more than I do (He REALLY loves people more than I do!). I pray that people supporting abortions will have their eyes opened to what they are doing. I pray that I will open my eyes to areas of sin in my life. Because of Original Sin, and our own concupiscence, all of us are blind about something - about many things.

I hope that the people, including me, who would no more say "hail satan" than cut off our limbs with a chainsaw, are saved from being pharisees, thinking that we have no sins of our own. I hope that the people who think they are protecting others by supporting abortions are saved from thinking there is no such thing as sin, and/or that they have no sins of their own. Open our eyes, Lord! Thank You for Your Love and Mercy. This is a good nation being led astray, draw us back to You with Your Love. Mary, full of grace, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Farewell to My Cat

Yesterday, I found a new home for my cat. Last weekend when my sister was here, she swept my floors and then spoke to me about how most of the debris was from my cat, that I'm no longer able to care for the cat, and that it was time to find a new home for her. I was concerned about this because the cat has a problem with vomiting up partially digested food.

I was worried that someone would adopt her and then take her to the humane shelter due to the vomiting. Barb suggested that I call the vet who had allowed me to adopt the cat and see if they would take her back to place her. I called on Monday, assuming that they would say no, but they said yes, and the cat exited my home the same day.

I am very happy about being able to put her back under the care of the vet and her staff, as I know that they will find someone who will take care of her and who won't desert her. She is a lovely creature, completely loving, playful, and always up for a snuggle. She will make someone a delightful pet. This way I don't have to discern people's commitment during a fifteen minute interview. But the best thing about it, is that she is safe.

In the meantime, I am feeling very peaceful about being alone again. I loved the cat, but it really was very hard for me to care for her, and impossible for me to keep up with the hair, tracked litter, and little puddles of vomit. My home isn't falling into shambles around me. Someday I may be granted a remission from the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and then I may adopt again. But in the meantime, it's nice to have one less reminder of all the things I can't do right now.

Feeding the Poor and Edward Norton

Yesterday at mass, we had a guest priest from Cross International (an excellent charity if you are looking for something to really help the poor). Listening to his homily really inspired me to want to contribute. I knew there is a lot of hunger in the world, but I had no idea that a child starves to death every FIVE SECONDS. In garbage dumps around the world, people are fighting with feral dogs to get to the "new" garbage so that they can pull out the food and use it to feed themselves and their children. I'm going to try and live a vegan diet for 6 days a week and use the money I save to send to Cross. Every $0.18 that I contribute feeds someone for a day. What a bargain!

One of my sisters and I spent Friday and Saturday enjoying Edward Norton movies. What a treat! I knew that I liked his work in Fight Club, but I was even more impressed by his first movie, Primal Fear. What a brilliant job he does playing a split personality, with a surprise twist. Then  we watched him in Keeping the Faith, where he did a comedic turn. He seems to have an almost endless range. He is able to make me forget that he is an actor. I find myself responding as though this is who he is, and then I'm surprised to find out that he is someone completely different in the next movie. Johnny Depp's performances have the same effect on me. I love being able to completely suspend my disbelief like that.