Love

I was just talking with one of my sisters. We were laughing and joking, but the conversation had to end, as all things must. Thinking back on how much I enjoyed it, I have to ask myself, "What is better than a sister?" My relationships with my sisters and brothers are so enjoyable to me, and I love them very much. They enrich my life in ways that are beyond counting. I'm so glad that my parents didn't use birth control until after my youngest brother was born. If they had, I might have missed being so deeply connected with one of these wonderful men and women. I know that it was very hard work for Mom and Dad, but Mom often said to me, "I worked hard to give you kids a good life, but it was so much fun, too." It's wonderful to have a generous mother like mine.

Barb and I were talking about love, and both of us agree that the love closest to God's Love is that of a mother. It's really a blessing to see a mother's love in action. No matter how big a jerk the child is, the mother sees the good and loves. Even when she sees the bad, she still loves, it's just more painful. It's difficult to see that God loves me that unconditionally, but He does.

Books and Movies

Finished Silas Marner. Really liked the values that Nancy represented: not pushing to have your way when it has been blocked more than three times, i.e. accepting it as the will of God, working so hard to love her husband and to SHOW her love in order to ease his pain over their childlessness. When Eppie doesn't want to be their adopted child, Nancy's conclusion is that now she and her husband can accept it as God's Will, look to all of their blessings, and be at peace at last. I think that Eliot felt that Nancy was too black and white. That's probably the thing that draws me to her and her way of living. Well, final conclusion is that I really liked Eliot's book and will read more of her work. I can see now why Silas Marner is on every high school reading list. It was beautifully written, full of thought provoking ideas and insights.

Last night I watched 48 hours and the sequel. I found myself growing really annoyed with Nolte's performance. He took the hard-boiled cop routine about 2 paces too far. I found him very unsympathetic. But then at the end he won me back both times by showing some humanity. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't like people who are mean. So sue me! :->

Silas Marner, Again

I'm about 2/3 of the way through Silas Marner, and I've fallen in  love with George Eliot.The first third of the book was really rough going. I found it to be almost a punishment to read. If I hadn't seen the Steve Martin film version, I don't think that I would have continued to read. I think the only thing that made me continue was the surety that there was happiness ahead. My hopes were well placed, once Marner meets Eppie, the book blossoms into joy.

On reflection, I understand why this is assigned reading in high school. Even the beginning the first part of the book is brilliant. Somehow Eliot manages capture Silas' descent from feeling betrayed by God and man, into being a miser and narrowing his life down into his desire to earn more gold, which closed down his soul.Reading it, I felt as trapped, hopeless, and dead inside as the main character. The author made me understand how a disordered appetite makes a human into a thing without hope, where everything serves the appetite. The appetite feeds on the victim's humanity until nothing is left but a husk.

Her portrayal of this dark path made the light that much brighter, when Silas discovers Eppie and through his love for her and the kindness of Dolly Winthrop, heal the wounds created by the betrayal of his friend William Dane. The loss of his gold makes him human to his community, so that they regard him in a kinder light. Once he opens his heart to Eppie, that love, and the friendship of his community open up his heart, mind, soul, and life. It was like walking through a dark tunnel, and then having light and a beautiful scene open up before me. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book, and I plan on reading more of her work.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Last night I watched a wonderful 1935 version of Midsummer Night's Dream. It starred James Cagney as Bottom, Mickey Rooney as Puck (I KNOW, but he was absolutely wonderful), and Olivia De Haviland as Hermia. Dick Powell, Joe E. Brown, and several other excellent actors were also in the play.

When I had ordered the DVD, I assumed that James Cagney would play Puck. I know that he would have been fantastic as Puck, but his Bottom was very good, very humorous, and when he had the head of an ass he had a certain (not overplayed) sadness. Mickey Rooney did a great job with Puck. Even though he was fifteen at the time the film was made, he seemed like a boy between 6 and 10. He plays the mischievous kid perfectly. He had a great laugh, but it got to be a little wearing by the end of the film. I would have liked more variation in that one area. Other than that, his performance was perfect. I'm not a Rooney fan, so this was a big surprise to me.

The sets and costumes were beautiful. It reminded me of films I've seen by Cukor, such as Beauty and the Beast. I particularly loved the costumes and choreography of the fairies. The only poor costume was the head of the ass. It was stiff, and the jaw didn't move correctly. Other than that and the laugh, I was mesmerized.

Woody Allen

Last night I watched Broadway Danny Rose and was impressed by the quality of the story and the filming. I have stayed away from Woody Allen since the Soon-Yi scandal, but on return, I have to admit to the quality of his work. To comfort me in his real life, I learned that Allen has been married to Soon-Yi for 16 years. It's still distasteful, but seems less like incest and more like a real relationship. As a caveat, his biological son won't see him.

So, is it okay for me to enjoy his work and deplore his actions? Do I deplore his actions? Soon-Yi was 19 when the affair began, and 20 when it was discovered. That doesn't sound like he could have coerced her into an unwanted relationship. I don't know the answers to my earlier questions. I just know that I want to see more of his films.

Timothy Treadwell

Last night I watched another documentary by Werner Herzog called Grizzly Man. It was about the life and death of Timothy Treadwell. Most of the documentary consisted of Timothy's videotapes of himself and his life among the grizzlies. There was some really touching footage of him playing with foxes who had grown to trust him, play with him, sleep next to him while he made video commentaries.

To me, he seemed almost like a child. Even his tone of voice seemed more like a child's than a man's. He would back a grizzly off, and then say, "I love you. I love you." From a description of a time when he received medication, and then rejected it because he felt he needed the extreme highs and lows to be himself, I assume that he was bipolar. He saw himself as the hero in a battle to protect the grizzlies from mankind. He was very sincere in this. I think maybe he sentimentalized the situation and saw himself as a kind of Christopher Robin in the 100 acre wood. He had no scientific education, and I think that this increased his naivete regarding the bears.

Herzog spoke with a Native American, who said that he felt that for Timothy to live among the grizzlies was disrespectful of them, and would lead to the grizzlies losing their fear of humans. This would make them more vulnerable to hunters. I had to agree with the Native American on both counts. There was a piece of Timothy's video which showed a photographic tour. When one of the grizzlies walked up to investigate, the people on the tour threw rocks at him. The bear cowered, but didn't run away, so they continued to throw rocks at him. Timothy was upset by this, but I felt that the bear was confused because of the time that he had lived around Timothy. If they had been a hunting tour, the bear would have been dead.

When Timothy and his girlfriend were killed, it was by bears that Timothy described as "scary, strange bears". He had gone back to his camp site after the bears he normally interacted with had gone to hibernate. Other bears had moved into the territory. One of them killed Timothy and his girlfriend. I don't know, maybe he never would have been killed by the bears that knew him.

Herzog believes that nature is chaotic and destructive. I believe that it is orderly, but bears are not social animals. They only get together to breed, when they are raising cubs, or when there are sources of food that force them to hunt in proximity to one another. Timothy appeared to believe that nature is friendly and ready to embrace him. He made great friends with the foxes, because they are social animals, and understand pack.

I know that he accomplished a great deal in creating public support for grizzlies, which he very much wanted to do. I believe that if he had fallen in love with wolves, or the foxes, or some other pack animal, then he would still be alive. However, because of his work with school children, we might see more protection of grizzlies in the future.

Fortnight for Freedom

Messed up yesterday and didn't post. So today I'm determined to get something down. I'm still so black/white that if I stop doing something for a couple of days, I probably won't ever do it again.

Read a beautiful post by a woman visiting her foster child in Nigeria. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/06/why-you-are-where-you-are-for-such-a-time-as-this/ I am totally convicted. I've known for a while that I live in the palace, but I forget that there are things I can do to help Mordecai. God, please help me to help.

Fasting today as the Church (there's only one capitol in my particular flock!) opens a fortnight of prayer and fasting that the government will back off from trying to force us to provide abortion and birth control as part of our insurance. If this law remains in place, the result will be that the Church will no longer be able to perform our corporal works of mercy: hospitals, adoption centers, schools, colleges, etc. I think that this move by government is directly fueled by an anti-Catholicism that reminds me of the beginning of Hitler's government's attacks on the Jewish people. I pray that God will turn their hearts, or barring that, that the U.S. will experience something like Atlas Shrugged. I don't think that people in this country realize how much good the Church does. I hope that our nation will understand the value of the Church's contributions and the unfairness of this prosecution and turn away from the relentless hostility that is so common today.

Bored vs. Action

I've been really bored and lonely the last couple of days. I think it's because I have been sitting in my house and not reaching out to anyone by phone. I've also been watching a LOT of TV. Hmph! Who would have thought these things would lead to loneliness and boredom? Not me! What's not so funny is that the lonelier and more bored I became, the less I was willing to break the cycle by doing something different. Today I have to leave the house for a doctor's appointment, so I hope that I will be a little more proactive. Also, since it's Wednesday, I'm on a fiction fast for Our Lady's intentions. That should break the cycle and at least pull me back into reality land.

This week I have gone shopping twice on the internet and spent about $100 each time. This is truly crazy on my part, as I am on a very strict budget. Fortunately, God is putting some extra money into my hot, little hands, so He is bailing me out. I hope I don't push His kindness too hard by continuing this behavior.

Well, enough of blogging. I'm going to go do my exercises, pray, and see if I can't get into a happier reality by doing positive actions. I'll bet that I can! :-> Can you spell take action? Of COURSE you can!

Rantings on 'What's the Matter with Kids Today'

God and the Machine just introduced me to a new Pantheos Catholic blogger, Simcha Fisher, http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2013/06/honk-honk/ She is really funny. I'm so looking forward to reading her posts.

Just realized that my cat has stolen my plastic web pot scrubber, and left it in the middle of my bed. No wonder I never seem to have one when I need it! However, it's also cheaper than most 'real' cat toys. On the horns of a dilemma here! Dilemma solved. She started playing with it and how can I deny her something that makes her look so cute and loveable? I'll just get another one and hide it in the cupboard under the sink. 

I'm having a difficult time getting into the writing gear, or the exercise gear, or the prayer time gear today. I've spent over an hour reading other people's blogs, and now I'm trying to do my daily writing assignment. I just don't have any ideas, so I'm writing about that. I'm putting fingers to the keyboard and typing whatever comes into my head. It's a good thing that no one reads this post, or they would write mean things in the comments column and I would feel diminished and sad. This way no one says anything and I immediately forget this post, and so have no feelings about it whatsoever.

When I was exploring Ms. Fisher's post, I had the misfortune to read some of the comments. People implied that a woman is dumb because she has 6 kids, is from Texas, and so on. Why do these people even read her blog if they are so hostile to the things that she's believes? I don't understand why they feel that being mean is clever. It's as though we have raised a bunch of sociopaths who know they are entitled to pull the wings off of other peoples' dreams. They think that being negative and ugly makes them clever and witty. [note: while rereading this, I realized that I understand perfectly why they believe this. I used to believe it, too, when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Maybe it's just part of being a kid?]

I remember thinking I was really cool when I repeated, "Never trust anyone over thirty." Then one day I was over thirty and that quote wasn't cool anymore. Is that what is going to happen to these people? Are they going to get old and fat and 'ugly' and experience having their own hearts butchered for someone else's amusement? Will they be able to develop empathy then?

Maybe the source of this exceptional cruelty is the complete 360 degree protection afforded to this generation? They're almost all single kids or one of a pair. Their parents have focused their own lives around protecting and pleasing these kids, so they've know very little denial. Their parents, the entertainment media, and the school system are centered around convincing these kids that they are special, winners, wiser than any adults, constantly entertained, and protected from any pain or criticism. Is it any surprise that they don't develop the capacity to be merciful to people who are less than perfect? How could they learn compassion when it requires understanding what it is like to be vulnerable and hurting?

Well, even though we may be poorly prepared for it, life has a way of knocking down any sand castles we may build. Sooner or later these kids will have to grow up and learn that they are garden variety human beings, rather than demi-gods and goddesses. Painful though that process is, it will make their lives richer, because they will learn to be considerate to others rather than to hurt them for fun. 

Statistics and Taking the Bitter with the Sweet

Well, today I tried out my 95% theory on the young man who took my groceries to the car. We were talking about his work, and he mentioned that he really likes the nice customers. I said, "I'll bet that 90% (see I was low-balling here!) of your customers are nice, aren't they?" There was dead silence. Then I said, "What would you say are nice." He replied, "70%, but you are very nice." Sweet boy, but he blew my statistics out of the water. I'm going to file it under Schroedinger's Cat, and keep relying on my own statistic.

What is it about a baby's laugh that is so infectious? I was just watching a video of two toddlers (?still bald and in diapers, but standing up) playing with rubber bands and cabinet door knobs. They would put the rubber bands on the door knobs, and laugh like crazy! Sometimes, they would fall down and laugh. Sometimes they would pop the rubber bands and laugh, and sometimes the bands would just fall on the ground and they would laugh. Watching the video made me smile, and eventually laugh out loud. The person videotaping them began to laugh, and then the kids REALLY started laughing. They would look up at the person filming them and laugh, and it was obvious that sharing the joke made it more pleasurable to them. All in all, it was a delightful two or three minutes. I wish everyone could have a laughing baby in their lives at least once a week. Of course then we'd probably have to endure a crying baby in our lives, too. As a friend once told me, you have to take the bitter with the sweet. (But I'm convinced that it is sweet 95% of the time! snicker!)

Pot-luck

Just finished reading my niece-in-law's blog on her 3 yr old's adjustment to being the big brother of twin brothers. It made me laugh out loud several times. Especially when his mom is telling him that all mammals feed their young breast milk and he asks if they take off their clothes to do it. There is nothing like a little kid to make a person laugh with joy and tear out their hair with frustration! What a gift they are.

I am re-watching all of Ridley Scott's movies, because he's such a great film maker. Last night I finished watching American Gangster with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington. What a wonderful movie that is. Washington and Crowe are both excellent actors, and I ended up rooting for both of them, even though they're on the opposite sides of the good guy/bad guy struggle. The film itself was so well done. The storey is interesting, too. Crowe's character is an exemplary cop, who finally puts Washington's character in prison. He gets Washington's character to give evidence and they put 3/4 of the NYPD narcotics division in prison for breaking the law. They end up with more than 155 convictions. Crowe's character works as a lawyer for the prosecution, including the case that convicts Washington's character. Then Crowe's character goes to work as a defense lawyer and takes on Washington's character's case. This could only happen in real life. It's would be too much to believe if it was fiction. The guy Crowe was playing must have had a really brilliant mind to be a success in all three careers.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well

Just a tiny little comment on my post from yesterday. Remember the "95% of what we worry about never happens" statistic? Well, I was watching a David Attenborough special Polar Bear: Arctic Warrior. They were showing a polar bear hunting a baby seal who was hidden under the snow. The hunt failed - yea, David!-and they mentioned that only one in twenty of these hunts are successful. That means that the polar bear only kills a baby seal 5% of the time-ha!

What shall I write about today? I don't have a clue! You know that famous shot in Al Gore's special on global warming - the polar bear is on a tiny ice flow, and we're being told how global warming has stranded it? Well, I found out from the Attenborough video that polar bears can EASILY swim 100 miles, so that bear probably wasn't as stranded and forlorn as we were led to believe. People in the US have tender hearts, which are easily stirred to protective instincts. I wish that we were being led in a truth-based fashion. 

I guess my concerns about this probably fall in the 95% that never happens, though. We're also not stupid. They can't fool all of the people all of the time. In thinking that I know what's going on, I'm no less misinformed than the artists who think the ordinary people don't like their art because they are stupid. 

I have to remember that I don't have special knowledge either. As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." I want all things to be well. I don't want to worry about the state of the nation, or worry that the US is working their way into persecuting the Church. My program tells me to avoid negative thinking, to keep my eye on my employer (my Higher Power, God), and to try and do His Bidding. It tells me that God-reliance is the posture of strength, not weakness. On the contrary, self-reliance leads only to fear. When I remember these things, I am instantly taken out of the 'fussy' feeling of worrying about the future. I feel free again, and peaceful.

Sophistication, or Just Plain, Old Negativity?

Last night I watched two nature films. The first one was about flamingos in Africa, The Crimson Wing: Mystery of the Flamingos. It was rivetingly beautiful, but about half-way through the filmmaker began focusing on the chicks who had built up crippling salt deposits on their legs, and the chicks that were being killed by storks and eagles. There were approximately 250,000 chicks to film, but rather than filming the healthy, thriving chicks, we saw the chicks dying, being left behind, being killed, or being left to starve alone because of the salt deposit buildup. So rather than focus on what's right with the world, the filmmaker focused on what is wrong with the world. Our intellectuals are completely infected with this pseudosophistication of believing that they are more aware/honest/sophisticated because they have gnosis (secret wisdom) that the pathetic bourgeois who want to see the happy side of life are too dumb to appreciate. 

The second film I saw was by Werner Herzog, Encounters at the End of the World. It was just as beautiful, but not so obsessively occupied with the "red in tooth and claw" aspect of nature. Was that because he doesn't have anything to prove, or because the Antarctic has fewer opportunities to show seals and penguins being killed or dying?

 I think that the driving force for the negativity is part of a spiritual illness in the arts community as a whole. The visual artists focus on the ugly, proclaiming that art is only art if it is different from everything that proceeded it. For some reason, the only new things seem to be ugly. The film artists focus on the dark side, with members of every earlier white culture portrayed as filthy, having terrible dental hygiene, greedy, prone to rape, dressed in ragged, dirty clothing, and hairy. Remarkably, most women and members of other races are clean, intelligent, and have acceptable values. Musical artists are pretty much wrapped in rap. Rather than being sophisticated, artists are the victims of a spiritual/mental illness that is close to or equal to despair/depression. The world is just not that bad a place. It is full of light, love, and joy, even when bad things happen to good people and good animals.

I would love to see some real artistic sophistication, where people think outside the box, and see the world for the beautiful place that it is, and always has been. I heard a statistic once, 95% of the things we worry about never happen. Well, a correlation to that would be that when bad things happen, they only happen about 5% of the time, so the world is beautiful, nature is mostly pink in tooth and claw, most of the babies are going to survive, and most of the people in the past were clean, reasonable, and kind, just as they are today. 

Is it real, or is it Memorex?

I was reading The Anchoress' blog about Mother Dolores Hart and her book, The Ear of the Heart. I was thinking about the Mother Superior sending Dolores back to the world when she first expressed an interest in the religious life, so that Dolores would be able to come back from a successful career, have something to offer. Then when Dolores returns, the superior sends her back to the world for another five months so that she could tie up any loose ends and 'enter the cloister honestly'. I read this and flashed back to my own entrance to religious life, where I left in the middle of the night and was trying to escape my night terrors and delusions. I never did honestly enter the cloister. I didn't want to stay there for the rest of my life, only until I could sleep without fear. At every decision point I prayed that the nuns would send me home. I came up with reason after reason for them to send me home. I wonder why I believe that I have a vocation now? Is it real, or am I trying to escape from something again? My meditation this morning was on giving myself totally to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I try, but without emotion. Is my attempt real, or more delusion? I'm not sure, and can only pray for guidance. Am I just over analyzing? Stay tuned!

It's Great to Have a Program

Well, the discussion with my sponsor both surprised me and told me what I expected to hear. My sponsor said that what I was doing was the work of a counselor, not a sponsor. She is going to try and find phone numbers for groups who would be able to offer low-cost counseling to my sponsee. My sponsor suggested that I have my sponsee do some fourth step work on this issue, so that she can explore the behavior, why she has it, and then get help from her Higher Power to overcome it. I'll tell you what, my sponsor is absolutely wonderful. She is so wise and kind.

I am so grateful that I am an alcoholic, and have this program to help me live a life of usefulness to God and my fellows. It gives me access to daily help and feedback from my sponsor. It also gives me a solid guideline on how to live, how to clean up the wreckage of my using past (and sometimes the wreckage of my sober past-I'm definitely a slow learner, especially in the area of work). It gives me a wonderful fellowship to be part of, and allows me to help others.Over the last 20 years, it has taught me how to live a contented useful life, and given me a relationship with God that I desired when I was still drinking, and was totally incapable of obtaining. I have so much to be grateful for!

To Push or Not To Push

I think that I may be dominating one of my sponsees. This thought makes me extremely uncomfortable, because it means that I need to stop pushing her to do something that I think is absolutely central to her recovery. I have to accept that she may continue in a self-destructive activity, and that it's not my job to prevent her. While I'm writing this, I'm wondering if I need to continue. The activity really is self-destructive and addictive. I'll have to talk it over with my sponsor and I know that she will tell me to stop. I'll turn it over to God and hope that I do His Will.

I found BooMama's blog and I LOVE reading it. She is the best!

Well, I'm quitting for now. I have to get ready for my group.

Corapi, Boomama, and George Eliot

This morning I was reading about John Corapi, and his use of sex, drugs, money, etc. It triggered a lot of sadness in me. I had always loved his forthright style of preaching. His comment that our "mother wears army boots" resonates within me today. I remember him saying that a woman came up to him and complained about his comments on women, and he told her that she is in a state of mortal sin, due to something involving sexual sin, and that's why she didn't like what he had to say. It really saddens me to learn that he was living in sin with a woman at that time. I also think back on how adamant he was that we needed to buy his tapes directly from him, that none would be sold as part of the package for the weekend. At the time his emphatic and repetitive comments on this struck me as odd, now I suspect that he used the money from his tapes for his own purposes. Poor man! I hope that he is able to find his way back to God and to obedience to his religious superiors. If not, I hope that he is able to straighten out his life and come back to accord with the Church, and with God. I'll add him to my prayer lists.

On a happier note, I found out that my favorite entertainment blogger, Boomama, aka Sophie Hudson, has written a book, which I am looking forward to reading. With a title like A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet: Southern Stories of Faith, Family, and Fifteen Pounds of Bacon how can I not like the book? I'll wait until I can get it on paperbackswap, but I'm looking forward to reading her stories.

Well, I'm off to the library to pick up a copy of Silas Marner. I watched a modernized version of it (starring Steve Martin! but he did a great job) the other night and enjoyed it so much that I thought I would give the book a try. I don't know if it's an effect of my bipolar medications, or an effect of aging, but I'm finding that I enjoy a lot of movies, television shows, and books that I had previously disliked. Since my only contact with this book was high school English, I'm hoping that I will find out that I like George Eliot. My friend, Sandie, says that I will really enjoy reading Eliot's books. Stay tuned for surprising results! :->

Oblate program

I spoke with Sr. Mary John today. I'm encouraged that this will be the right path for me. Balance was a recurring theme in our conversation. Since I struggle with keeping my balance every day, this is something that I look forward to working on with her. We will have a retreat July 19 - 21. It will be nice to see the convent again.

The main emphasis of the oblate prayer life is the Church's Liturgy of the Hours. It will feel odd to pray that again. It will be worth it if I can deepen my relationship with God. I write that as though I dislike the Liturgy, but I was always comfortable with it.What I meant was praying the Liturgy in preference to the Rosary. I'll bet that it isn't an either/or situation.

Blogging to be blogging!

I forgot to blog yesterday, so today I wanted to be sure to write something, so I can keep my promise to myself of writing everyday. I'm pretty much an all-or-nothing kind of gal, so if I don't keep up, I'll just quit. Blogging seems to be a good mental and emotional health exercise for me, so I definitely want to keep going with it. Sometimes I worry that I will bore my "readers", but A) I probably don't have any, and B) if they get bored then they can always stop reading and C) if they are too compulsive to stop reading, then I hope that they are working with a mental health care professional because they sound a lot like me!

A few days ago, I decided to fast from fiction on Wednesdays and Fridays for the Blessed Mother's intentions. I was really dreading it, because I don't like reading non-fiction, and I assumed that I wouldn't enjoy documentaries on television. Without something like these two things to pass the time, I go stir crazy. In His Mercy, God made me LOVE the documentaries I have watched. I find them peaceful and relaxing. So far I have followed a surfer/mountain climber to Patagonia. It was so beautiful! The world is such a wonderful thing. I have also watched a Navajo girl compete for Miss Navajo, which was very interesting and compelling. Yesterday, I learned about women computers who calculated ballistics trajectories for the United States during World War II. I came away understanding why Truman dropped the bomb. I also watched a beautiful documentary on the oldest human drawings - 32,000 years old! - in Chauvet cave in France. It was called Cave of Dreams. The drawings were mesmerizing. I could have done without the white crocodiles at the end, but he can't help it if he doesn't really understand science. The rest of the film was great.

So once again, a gracious God outdoes me in generosity. It's lovely to be loved so deeply, and cared for so tenderly! I'm like a chick under his downy wing. So much to be grateful for!

New great-nephews and improvements in my 'learn to see shades of gray' abilities

My nephew and his wife have said hello to their twins this morning. I'm glad that everyone is alright, and I'm sad for my niece, in that she really didn't want to have a c-section. I hope that she has plenty of support and help while she heals. I pray that she doesn't have to go through postpartum depression and that she is able to really enjoy her three sons. I also hope that Thomas is able to make the transition to big brother smoothly.

Last night I watched a wonderful film, called 180(degree sign, can't figure out how to make it) South. It was a documentary of this man's trip to Patagonia to surf and climb a mountain that had only been climbed once before. I loved everything about it. The music was wonderful, the scenery was so beautiful, and the narrative was really interesting. I walked away remembering why the environmental ethos attracted me. One more good solid brick in my attempts to stop being so black and white.

I also watched a really neat documentary called Miss Navajo. It was about a girl competing for this title, and ended up being about all the girls competing for this influential post. They had to speak Navajo, be able to butcher and prepare a sheep and homemade tortillas. There was a lot of historical commentary from women who had been Miss Navajo. I really wanted the central girl to win, but she came in as first runner-up. However, her father said that she and her sister are taking their Navajo language acquisition more seriously and are becoming fluent in Navajo, so he feels that this has been a good experience for the family. I hope that she competes again and wins. I really liked her. She used the word simile correctly in answering a question about Changing Woman. I was so impressed by her humility and her intelligence. I think that she would make a great Miss Navajo.

One woman talked about how her grandmother tried to keep her daughter from attending the BIA school, because the grandmother was worried that the girl would lose her language and her culture. This is something that I always felt was silly, but watching the woman cry as she spoke about being separated from her family and being forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush for speaking Navajo, I realized that there is nothing silly about it. I'm sure the people running this program thought that by immersing the students in the English language and forcing them to become fluent, they were doing the best thing for the students, but they weren't.  They were destroying the children's link with their past and their culture. Again, a brick in the shades of gray wall for me.

Rambling thoughts

Just read an article about how men in modern society aren't allowed to be manly, are penalized for it. How women are dominating in all professions, except the law. How men who aren't 'feminized' are being passed over and punished. It resonated for me because of what I have seen happen to my two younger brothers. I know that I am powerless over a social phenomenon, but I wish there was some way that I could see the day when society self-corrects and allows men the same freedoms that they demand for women.

When I went to the support group yesterday I was comforted and amazed. Listening to everyone talk about being arrested by the police while in their manic phase, or for acting out in anger, or being kicked out of their families, I realized how well off I am, and how well controlled my illness is by medications. I felt so grateful. It was also comforting to realize that I'm not the only one who struggles with depression. It was like an AA meeting, in that I was able to identify, which stopped me feeling alone.

Last night I watched an excellent movie with Gabriel Byrne, Laura Linney, and Steve Martin called A Simple Twist of Fate. I realized pretty quickly that it was a modernized version of Silas Marner. I had read the book in high school English, and hadn't liked it, but I'm going to reread it to see if 40+ years of maturity might not improve my understanding and enjoyment.

I also watched and enjoyed 12 Angry Men. Excellent performances by some great actors, and some actors that I had never before considered particularly talented. The story was compelling, and I loved the ending, which I felt really drove home the point that this was a story about Everyman and his duty, and how that duty is one of the things that really sets out our freedom.

The third film I watched was Point of No Return. I've seen this film before. It's an American remake of the French film, La Femme Nikita. I love both films, but La Femme is by far my favorite. Watching Point last night, I was struck by how much better it was than I had previously thought. Well worth the price of admission!

Self-hypnosis

My niece is awash with fear as she awaits the birth of twin boys. I want to reach out and comfort her, tell her that everything is going to be alright, and that God will give her and Paul the graces they need to do the tasks in front of them. I don't say anything because I don't want to offend her or make her feel put down. I wish that I were wiser and knew what to say in these situations. I feel like she is hypnotizing herself with negative thinking. She is focusing on everything that can go wrong and ignoring that it may also go right. Even while I'm writing this, I can see that prayer is the solution to everything.

I can give myself the same lecture. I've been imagining that I will continue to gain weight and become housebound or have to live in a long term care facility. I have been imagining that I will have mini-strokes and be unable to enjoy reading or movies and tv serials. I have been imagining that my sister is angry with me for some unknown reason, and that's why she hasn't called me. I've been hypnotizing myself with much less reason than my niece has.

Today, I'm going to go to a self-help group at the counseling center. I'm nervous, because I don't know how these groups work, or what behavior is required. I'm afraid that I will get nothing out of it, and/or that I will commit such an egregious mistake that I will become persona non grata. Writing my fears down helps me to see that this is another area that I have been hypnotizing myself into expecting the worse.

In conclusion, I think my niece and I are suffering from the fear of the unknown. We have been so focused on what can go wrong that we forget that there is an equal chance that everything will go right. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

Shades of Gray

Well, I already stopped following my daily schedule. It lasted until after my outdoors time, and then I just ignored it. Maybe it was too complicated (28 different things). Today, I'm going to try to do the things on it and see where it goes.

I have a real problem with balance. I tend to see things in black and white, go full out at anything that I get interested in, and then wonder why I'm worn out, or why I'm banging my head against the real world. I'm trying to incorporate more gray in my life, by which I mean that I'm trying to SEE that not all things are yes/no. It's really hard for me, but I know that it will be worth it, because I'll see God's world more accurately.

Obviously God is adept at shades of gray. One only has to look at people like Adam, Noah, Abraham, Peter, etc. to see that God is really forgiving and generous, and doesn't demand perfection. He just demands an effort and our love. He knows that we're going to fail, over and over again. He knows the worst sin we will ever commit, and He is willing to die on a cross for us. I want to have that same generosity, which means that I will need to see the good in the worst of us, and the bad in the best of us.

I guess being willing to go back to the schedule without the perfectionism is a good place to start my view of the gray side of me!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I've been in a big slump the last few months. I haven't been doing anything, except reading or watching tv. A week ago I started sitting outside, which helped my mood. I developed prickly heat, which wouldn't go away, so I had to give up my outdoor time so that it could clear up. Yesterday, I realized that I'm becoming very vague, and I'm having difficulty focusing and following events, so I know I need to have some discipline and start more actively participating in life. I'm going to start going to daily mass, praying my rosary, and sitting outside again. I'm also going to start blogging every day. Not because I have that much to say, but because it will be good mental exercise.

Today, I also start following my daily schedule, so that should be fun.