Went to a meeting tonight

Tonight I made it to a 12 step meeting for the first time in a couple of months. I am so glad that I went! I was able to see some old friends (some of them 20 years!), and some new friends, and I picked up a temporary sponsee, which will help my own program.

The topic of the meeting was step 7 and that means that the topic of the meeting was humility: its necessity in our lives, the way living without humility leads to unhappiness for me and the people around me, the way I struggle against learning humility until I get it that humility is the only road to peace and contentment. It was a really good reinforcement of the idea that I need to actively seek humility, not just practice acceptance, but actively seek opportunities to rely on God, rather than myself. Not just practice acceptance, I need to actively work towards knowing that every step I take away from self is a step towards God and His Will. Now being an alcoholic, I'm going to find a way to screw this up, if I allow myself to over analyze it, so I am going to work towards acceptance and doing God's Will, and trust that my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, will make me whatever He Wants me to be.

Depression

I have been going through an adjustment of my meds, because I was experiencing hypomania. Over the last few days, I have been experiencing some depression. It has been a clear reminder of what it is like to spend some time in Purgatory. I can't imagine how I was able to survive this for months before receiving effective treatment.

It mostly crescendos at night, after a day of feeling down, counting every mistake I ever made, running them through the hands of my mind as though they were golden coins and I was a miser. During the day, I fight the good fight and lose, at night, I get a quick visit to hell where I feel the panic of being trapped in how I am feeling forever.

Today, I called my doctor and left a message. I am hoping that he will call me back and tell me to go back up on my anti-depressant. Mania has it's own purgatory, but I don't think I can last out this one for very long. I am so grateful for my meds and the fact that they are able to control this disease in me. I don't know how people survived this before these meds were invented. I don't know how I survived it before. I think God Blessed me and kept me in His Hand. Otherwise I would have killed myself.

What a surprise - the daily struggle has returned (or a funny thing happened on the way to Heaven)

I've been struggling with sinus, or a cold, or a very mild case of food poisoning for the past three days. I used that as an excuse to skip my daily prayers. The results were exactly what one could expect - I am losing sight of the life that I have dedicated myself to lead. Today I awakened and have decided that if Saint Therese of the Child Jesus could pray and offer up her sufferings while she was dying of tuberculosis, I can certainly pray and offer up my little crosses while I get over whatever it is that I am experiencing. Just writing that makes me feel much better.

So, I'm going to embrace this little cross and try to get back to work for the BVM. God is GOOD!

33 Day Consecration to Mary

On Monday, the feast of the Annunciation, I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I am very excited about this because it is the solution to my question of what path God Wants me to follow now that I'm not caring for Mom and I'm not working.

While caring for Mom, I very much wanted to go back to the convent. However, when I researched that, I quickly realized that my health would prevent me from ever being a candidate for formal religious life. I'm simply not up to that demanding way of life. After I quit working, I planned on going to daily mass, meetings, and exercise as a way of living, but struggled to meet the physical demands of even that life. Needless to say, I was feeling quite discouraged.

Then my sister, Moira, sent me a wonderful book called 33 Days to Morning Glory by Michael E. Gaitley. I read the book and I really believe it was God's Call to dedicate my life to serving Him by serving His Blessed Mother. I am so excited about this, that I am the punch line to every zealous novice joke that I ever heard in the convent (and believe me, I heard plenty, because I was pretty excited there, too! :->)

On Gaitley's recommendation to wear one at all times, I have purchased a Miraculous Medal which I wear as my insignia. It's the first "fancy" medal that I have ever owned. I am so happy, every time I look at it, because it reminds me of my path. I received the medal in time to begin wearing it on Easter Sunday. I feel so blessed to be able to say with Blessed John Paul II, "Totally Yours". Thank you God!