Depression

I have been going through an adjustment of my meds, because I was experiencing hypomania. Over the last few days, I have been experiencing some depression. It has been a clear reminder of what it is like to spend some time in Purgatory. I can't imagine how I was able to survive this for months before receiving effective treatment.

It mostly crescendos at night, after a day of feeling down, counting every mistake I ever made, running them through the hands of my mind as though they were golden coins and I was a miser. During the day, I fight the good fight and lose, at night, I get a quick visit to hell where I feel the panic of being trapped in how I am feeling forever.

Today, I called my doctor and left a message. I am hoping that he will call me back and tell me to go back up on my anti-depressant. Mania has it's own purgatory, but I don't think I can last out this one for very long. I am so grateful for my meds and the fact that they are able to control this disease in me. I don't know how people survived this before these meds were invented. I don't know how I survived it before. I think God Blessed me and kept me in His Hand. Otherwise I would have killed myself.