Jackie Chan and How Lucky We Are

I watched a really interesting documentary about Jackie Chan's family. As the film states at the end, it's like watching the last 100 years of China's history. It turns out that Jackie has 2 brothers and 2 sisters that he was unaware of. His father had to abandon his two sons (the oldest is seven at the time) and escape the Japanese. Then he has to escape the communist government under Mao, so that he is unable to find or retrieve his two sons. He meets Jackie's mother, who had to abandon her two girls (18 and 12) to escape. They marry and have Jackie. At the age of 8, Jackie apprentices himself to a theater school for ten years. In the meantime, his dad and mom have followed his employer to Australia leaving Jackie in the school.

The documentary covers the rape of Nanking(sp?), and all of the other terribly sad things that have happened in China. Under Mao's Cultural Revolution, one of the older brothers has "a big mouth" and is sent to the country to be re-educated. The older brother is "square" and doesn't talk much, so he has no problems during this time. Many years later, the dad is able to locate the brothers and reunite with them. Jackie has never met them. He has met the sisters, so they were able to reunite with their mother.

Watching this made me so grateful that I was born in a country where no one has to abandon their small children and emigrate to save their lives. We are so blessed to live in the United States. We have so many rights and privileges that other countries only dream of or envy. We are blessed to be a generous country in that we try to help other countries when troubles befall them.

I think that the only thing that really endangers our freedom is abortion. I worry that God will eventually let us collapse so that we will deal with this scourge. In the meantime, I can be even more grateful that God continues to bless our country.

Okay, I'm going to try and blog daily again

My wonderful niece-in-law, has once again inspired me to try blogging. Here's a link to her blog http://narrativeheiress.blogspot.com/ I don't know how to get you to the particular post, but it is for 9/10/13. Anyway, if she can blog with twin infants and a toddler, then I can blog with just myself. I stopped blogging because I didn't feel that I had anything to say, but now I remember that I started blogging to learn how to write. Funny how I tricked myself into stopping a healthy activity!

I had pretty much given up all of the healthy activities that I had started: walking, daily mass, blogging, meetings. I had replaced these with TV. Yesterday when I was talking to my sponsor, she pointed out that I can't get going on my own, I have to have my higher power's (whom I choose to call God) help. So I asked God to help me, and I am writing in my blog and recognizing all the things I have given up. So with God's help, I'm going to try and get back in the saddle again.

Divine Office 1, Acedia 0

I've really been enjoying my life lately. The steady rhythm of Divine Office, mass, rosary, walking, visiting with my walking partner over coffee, meetings, talking with the women I sponsor, and calling my own sponsors leaves me contented and peaceful. Things that I had been struggling with for the last two years- dental hygiene, bathing, getting up before noon, were almost immediately corrected once I started praying the Office. I feel so grateful to God.

I think I can say with confidence that my problems were symptoms of  acedia. The Oxford Concise Dictionary of the Christian Church^[2] defines acedia (or accidie) as "a state of restlessness and inability either to work or to pray". Kathleen Norris quotes St. Teresa of Avila as saying that the cure for this malady is, "Psalmody, psalmody, psalmody." In other words, she recommends praying the Divine Office. 

New Schedule is Bearing Fruit

I haven't been blogging for a while, because I have been tired so my mind hasn't come up with anything to write. I was even too tired to try just writing for 15 minutes.

Why was I so tired, you ask? Well, I have been getting up at 7AM, which is 4-5 hours earlier than I had been getting up. This means that I have been going to bed at least 3 hours earlier than my normal time. I made the decision to change my schedule so that I can return to daily mass. Yesterday and today, I awoke feeling rested, so I'm grateful that it's easier.

I've really been enjoying daily mass (even when I was tired, I was glad that I was there!). After mass is over, I'm sticking around long enough to pray my rosary, and pray the Divine Office. Then I go home to make breakfast.

On Wednesday, my friend, Esther, and I started walking/sitting at the mall. We walk/sit for 20 minutes, which means that I sit when I'm too breathless/tired to go on. Once I catch my breath, we get up and walk again. Per a friend's advice, we are taking off two days a week, so that our body can heal the muscles and grown more muscle tissue. We'll be walking 3 days and then 2 days, with a day of rest after each stint. We walked Wednesday, and took Thursday off (thanks be to God! I was so tired!). Then we walked again this morning. We'll walk tomorrow and then take Sunday off. I'm really enjoying the time with my friend, and the exercise. I'm glad that we've started it.

I've also continued with ordering my home. I didn't do anything yesterday, and probably won't do much until I'm in a little bit better shape with the walking, but I'm so happy that I've been doing it. It's so nice to go into an orderly kitchen. My mom kept trying to convince me of this when I was a kid, but now, 50 years, later, I'm finally convinced! Sorry, Mom, and thank you for the lessons, which must have been a pain in the neck for you!!!

Audrey Stevenson, Margaret Leo, Brendon Kelly, Pray for Us

I just read some lovely articles about three extraordinary children who lived saintly lives in the midst of terrible sufferings. http://www.patheos.com/blogs/theanchoress/2013/07/27/too-much-earthly-dross-heres-your-palate-cleanser/

I was very inspired by these articles. I have some minor pain and fatigue from FM/CFS, and I've gained a lot of weight. I have spent a lot of time regretting that I can't go walking or do other things that I used to do. With God's help and grace, I'm going to start offering things up again. There's so many things to pray for, but I think that I'll stick to my consecration to the BVM and offer it up for her intentions. That will be enough.

Still enjoying my Divine Office. Plan on getting up at 7 starting tomorrow, so that I can go to daily mass. (That will give me some stuff to offer up right away! Ha!) Audrey Stevenson, Margaret Leo, Brendan Kelly, pray for me to be faithful to daily mass and office, and to start living the little way! In Jesus' Name, Amen.

I Love the Liturgy of the Hours/Divine Office!

Well, it's been almost two weeks since I posted. I had gone so long without anything I wanted to say, blogging for exercise rather than ideas, that I decided not to blog again until I really wanted to say something. Having been to an oblate retreat at Holy Angels Convent, I am ready to blog again.

I was very apprehensive about the retreat. I worried about my ability to negotiate the large building because of my FM/CFS, about whether or not I would LIKE it, my ability to make the 3.5 hour drive, etc. I was just a bundle of fears. When I arrived, I was provided with a wheel chair, and someone pushed me to my room. I then went to chapel, and sat visiting with God. I felt so relaxed and at home. My old novice mistress remembered me! and the last surviving junior sister of my group remembered me, too! I got lots of ideas out of the presentations, including the need to journal (as I am doing now), and the need to take little opportunities to order my life by ordering my environment. I'm very much looking forward to the October retreat!

As soon as I arrived home, I went to Amazon and ordered the breviary (?) that the nuns use for the Liturgy of the Hours. It arrived yesterday, and I fumbled through the Ordo. At first I didn't think I could do it, but as the day progressed I found that I can do it, and stopped worrying that I wasn't doing what the nuns do. I'll straighten everything out once I receive the Ordo from the Oblate Directress. In the meantime, I am finding a great deal of peace in praying the Office. In fact, it's time to pray, so I'm closing this entry.

Nervous About the Retreat

What do I write about today? I'm a little down for some reason. I think I'm nervous about my upcoming retreat at Holy Angels (my old convent). I'm afraid that I'll be overwhelmed physically. But right now I'm realizing that I can go home anytime I want to. I don't have to have anyone's approval. I may also find that, using a wheelchair like I use my little kitchen stool, I can do it without any problems. Wouldn't that be nice???

That's pretty much everything going on with me.

Accedia and Me

Yesterday I was praying about how I can't seem to engage my will and go to bed at a reasonable hour. I looked at my bookshelf and saw a book by Kathleen Norris on, you guessed it!, accedia!!!! Started reading it and it fits what I've been going through to a tee. So glad to have a name, and a strategy to use on this temptation. So last night, I went to bed at 10 and got up at 7. I feel like a limp dishrag, but I have already accomplished several tasks that I was having problems engaging.

Other than feeling like a limp dishrag, I don't have much to say. Closing this down, and praying that God will continue to save me from this spiritual illness.

Ramblin' On.

Well, I stayed up until midnight (actually until 12:30) last night. Forgot about offering it up for the nephew. Will keep praying and trying to respond to God's Grace.

Watched some documentaries on teenagers doing Irish Dancing, teenagers doing jazz dancing, and teenagers at a camp for the performing arts. All three made me really glad that I'm not raising a teenager! What a LOT of drama! All drama all the time, it was exhausting to watch.

Actually, the Irish dancing teenagers were really well balanced and non-dramatic. Maybe because they regard it as an expensive hobby that gives them so much joy (these guys were competing for the world cup, so they and their families were totally committed to what they were doing!). One family had moved from California to England so that their son could pursue his dream of winning the world cup. It was inspiring to see them work so hard, be grateful to their loving parents (two moms worked full-time and their wages paid for the child's Irish Dancing expenses). Another group of Russian women did this as a hobby. One woman said that half of her earnings went into paying the expenses.

The thing that was wonderful was that there are no cash prizes, nothing to motivate someone to do this, except for the love of the sport, and the love of their child. That was wonderful.

Try, Try, Again

Exercised and prayed yesterday, and felt much better. So, of course, I'm procrastinating before starting my routine today. I feel like St. Paul, "That which I would do, I do not do". I guess it must be part of the human condition. I think the trick is to start rising at seven, going to mass, praying and exercising, and then getting on with the rest of my day. I have set the alarm for tomorrow, so we'll see. In order to succeed, I will have to go to bed by 10 tonight.

That's the problem right there. I start getting wired up and by the time it's bedtime, I want to watch more TV. So no problem! I just need to make it non-negotiable. God, please help me!!!!! Thanks, God, for pointing out that I can offer it up for my nephew, who is looking for work.

Okay, so I have motive, method, and opportunity! Let's see how I do today.

Just Do It!

Been struggling the last two or three days with not wanting to do anything. I haven't been exercising, praying, doing spiritual reading, showering, blogging, or taking out the trash. I want today to be different, so I'm going to start with blogging and exercising, and then move down through the list.

This morning I have read a lot about gay people. I've never felt judgemental or alienated from gay people. I have found most of the gays I've met to be very likeable. I submit to the Church's teachings about the need to abstain from gay sex, just as I submit to her teachings about the need to abstain from any sexual intercourse that isn't between a married man and woman who are open to procreation as a part of their sexual expression. When I look at it that way, I can plainly see that there is no prejudice towards gays in the Church's teaching. Chastity in any walk in life will include a cross, but there is also spiritual growth and salvation in living chastely in any walk in life.

I want to start consciously embracing the crosses in my own life. I can do that with my food plan, with the FM/CFS, with living alone, etc. I can offer up the things that are painful for people who are bearing much harder crosses. I can offer up staying on my food plan for people who are starving and watching their children starve. I can offer up the pain of exercising with FM/CFS for the people who are in pain with cancer, arthritis, old age, or more intense cases of FM/CFS. I can offer up staying on my schedule when I don't want to for Christians in China who are being imprisoned and murdered for their organs and Christians in the middle East who are being murdered for their faith.

Okay, the talk is easy, but the living is hard, so I'm going to close this one out and start living my talk.

Not much to say at all

Boy! Did I have a great time visiting with my brothers and sisters yesterday! Not all of them could come, but all of us 'little kids' were there, and a fun time was had by all. Also got to know my niece, Margery, a little better as an adult. That was really nice, too.

Not a whole lot more to say, today. I'm exhausted, so I'm going to call my big sister to wish her happy birthday and then I think that I'll take a nap!

I don't think a title exists for this melange of writing topics!

I don't have any idea to write about today, so I'm just putting fingers to keys and moving along to see what happens.

I'm embarrassed to talk about what I watch on tv or what I read on my catholic blogs all the time, but most of the time it's the most interesting thing that I do. I want to be able to say that my prayer and meditation period is the most interesting, but that's not true. I get some insights during that period, but that's about all. I have started writing 1/2 page in a prayer journal page every morning. I think it's going to be helpful to me, but I doubt that there will be anything to report on or rehash in my blog.

Now that I'm thinking about it, I don't have to worry about being boring in my blog. The only person who reads it is my sister, Moira, and she already knows that I'm boring! So I can just be myself and write about the first thing, if any, that comes to mind.

Just read my niece-in-law's journal about the twins. She is such a neat person. And my nephew is turning out to be a great dad, too. I really enjoy her blog. She is an exceptionally good writer, so it's always a pleasure to read. And I love hearing about their lives. It makes me feel closer to them.

My fast from fiction days have turned me into a Flying Wild Alaska fanatic. I feel like one of those weirdos that decides they know people because they've read their book, or watched their tv series, but I feel like watching their tv series has made me know these people! I laugh at the funny things they say and do, I sit with bated breath when they are in danger, I feel compassion for the ones who are suffering. Go figure, I turned into one of those people living in their mommy's basement and learning to speak Klingon.

I've also started watching Big Cat Diary and Meerkat Manor: the Next Generation. I'm always really rooting for these animals' survival, and when Rocketdog can't find a burrow to give birth to her pups, I'm actually praying to God to help her find one. (This season was taped in 2008, so Rocketdog's pups probably have burrows of their own now! Just pitiful, I know....). God helped her, and she will birth her pups in a safe place.

Well, enough of my interminable ramblings about people and places I don't know. I wish I knew what kind of impact the Fortnight for Freedom had on the current administration's attempts to disembowel the civil rights of the Church and devout Christians who own businesses. God, please protect us and our civil rights.

Not much going on

I am happy to know that they are going to canonize Pope John xxiii and Pope John Paul ii. They are two of my favorite guys to go to for prayers. Both of them were so warm and approachable, and now I know that I'm right in calling them saintly. They are saints before God!!!

I was reading about Lectio Divina this AM. I don't think I do such a good job at this because I tend to read too fast. Probably because I have built my morning reading list back up to almost ten different books. Time to weed them out, but that always triggers me to worry that I am setting aside the wrong book. These are the times when I wish I were less neurotic, and/or better at discerning what God wants me to do. 

Going to try and call Sr. Mary John this PM and get some info on the upcoming retreat. 

All have fallen short of the glory of God

Just finished a blog by The Anchoress about pro-abortion protesters responding to pro-life protestors' rendition of Amazing Grace with chants of "hail, satan". It makes me sad that these people are so ignorant of spiritual realities that they would invoke that name. They really don't know what they are doing. They are so assured that it's correct and cool not to believe in God, that they use this chant for shock value. If they saw a baby in the womb, and then saw it being torn apart or writhing in pain while chemicals are being used to murder it, I'm convinced that they would be completely repelled. I think that they would immediately turn from pro-abortion to pro-life.

It happened to me when I was pregnant. An ultrasound and a physical examination showed that something was wrong. When we were told that she might be Down's Syndrome, I agreed with my lover to seek an abortion, but I told him that we would be damned to hell for killing our child. I went into the bedroom and prayed that God would not force me to make a life and death decision for the baby.

We didn't take any action on the abortion, but started going to specialists who were monitoring the baby's growth and trying to figure out what was happening to her. I was put on bedrest because they thought that the baby wasn't getting enough nutrition. It was terrible to know that she was starving to death and there was nothing I could do to help her. She finally died, and I went through years of grieving. That grieving broke my pride and opened me up to the possibility that I might be wrong about God and what He wants from us. That people who obeyed the magisterium, the traditions, and the teachings of the Church might not be deluded, but instead were on the right path, the secure way to union with God and eternal happiness with Him in Heaven. It took years before I finally completely surrendered to the Church, but that is the big gift that God and my baby gave to me through the means of her death.

After my baby died, my sister gave me a wonderful book on grieving the death of a child. As I read it, I found out that 35,000 women a day lose a baby or a child to miscarriage, abortion, sickness, starvation, etc. I also found out that they all experience the same grief that I was experiencing, EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T KNOW THAT THEY WERE PREGNANT until they lost the child. I couldn't imagine what it would be like to face that pain and know that I had CHOSEN to murder my baby. I suffered enough guilt just knowing that I had been willing to end her life to keep from displeasing my lover. Since that time I have regarded abortion as murder of a child, and have felt so sorry for the women who are convinced, or forced, or frightened into joining the ranks of the 35,000 women a day who enter the ranks of those who are grieving the loss of a child. I also started feeling sorry for the people who participate in murdering a child because of the damage they are doing to their psyches and their souls with every murder.

I still believe that this is a nation of kind people who are being deceived into accepting this unspeakably cruel practice. Although when I look at teenagers attacking one another with cruel posts on facebook, etc.,  it does shake my faith in them a little. Maybe there's just a lack of empathy created by never having suffered disappointment, being less than, etc. I don't know. However, even if they are genuinely mean, if they are taking pleasure in someone else's pain, I wager that they still don't know that there are terrible spiritual consequences to being cruel, to killing, to judging, etc.

My part in all of this is to continue to pray to the God of Love, who loves them more than I do (He REALLY loves people more than I do!). I pray that people supporting abortions will have their eyes opened to what they are doing. I pray that I will open my eyes to areas of sin in my life. Because of Original Sin, and our own concupiscence, all of us are blind about something - about many things.

I hope that the people, including me, who would no more say "hail satan" than cut off our limbs with a chainsaw, are saved from being pharisees, thinking that we have no sins of our own. I hope that the people who think they are protecting others by supporting abortions are saved from thinking there is no such thing as sin, and/or that they have no sins of their own. Open our eyes, Lord! Thank You for Your Love and Mercy. This is a good nation being led astray, draw us back to You with Your Love. Mary, full of grace, pray for us sinners now and at the hour of our death.

Farewell to My Cat

Yesterday, I found a new home for my cat. Last weekend when my sister was here, she swept my floors and then spoke to me about how most of the debris was from my cat, that I'm no longer able to care for the cat, and that it was time to find a new home for her. I was concerned about this because the cat has a problem with vomiting up partially digested food.

I was worried that someone would adopt her and then take her to the humane shelter due to the vomiting. Barb suggested that I call the vet who had allowed me to adopt the cat and see if they would take her back to place her. I called on Monday, assuming that they would say no, but they said yes, and the cat exited my home the same day.

I am very happy about being able to put her back under the care of the vet and her staff, as I know that they will find someone who will take care of her and who won't desert her. She is a lovely creature, completely loving, playful, and always up for a snuggle. She will make someone a delightful pet. This way I don't have to discern people's commitment during a fifteen minute interview. But the best thing about it, is that she is safe.

In the meantime, I am feeling very peaceful about being alone again. I loved the cat, but it really was very hard for me to care for her, and impossible for me to keep up with the hair, tracked litter, and little puddles of vomit. My home isn't falling into shambles around me. Someday I may be granted a remission from the Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue Syndrome, and then I may adopt again. But in the meantime, it's nice to have one less reminder of all the things I can't do right now.

Feeding the Poor and Edward Norton

Yesterday at mass, we had a guest priest from Cross International (an excellent charity if you are looking for something to really help the poor). Listening to his homily really inspired me to want to contribute. I knew there is a lot of hunger in the world, but I had no idea that a child starves to death every FIVE SECONDS. In garbage dumps around the world, people are fighting with feral dogs to get to the "new" garbage so that they can pull out the food and use it to feed themselves and their children. I'm going to try and live a vegan diet for 6 days a week and use the money I save to send to Cross. Every $0.18 that I contribute feeds someone for a day. What a bargain!

One of my sisters and I spent Friday and Saturday enjoying Edward Norton movies. What a treat! I knew that I liked his work in Fight Club, but I was even more impressed by his first movie, Primal Fear. What a brilliant job he does playing a split personality, with a surprise twist. Then  we watched him in Keeping the Faith, where he did a comedic turn. He seems to have an almost endless range. He is able to make me forget that he is an actor. I find myself responding as though this is who he is, and then I'm surprised to find out that he is someone completely different in the next movie. Johnny Depp's performances have the same effect on me. I love being able to completely suspend my disbelief like that.

Love

I was just talking with one of my sisters. We were laughing and joking, but the conversation had to end, as all things must. Thinking back on how much I enjoyed it, I have to ask myself, "What is better than a sister?" My relationships with my sisters and brothers are so enjoyable to me, and I love them very much. They enrich my life in ways that are beyond counting. I'm so glad that my parents didn't use birth control until after my youngest brother was born. If they had, I might have missed being so deeply connected with one of these wonderful men and women. I know that it was very hard work for Mom and Dad, but Mom often said to me, "I worked hard to give you kids a good life, but it was so much fun, too." It's wonderful to have a generous mother like mine.

Barb and I were talking about love, and both of us agree that the love closest to God's Love is that of a mother. It's really a blessing to see a mother's love in action. No matter how big a jerk the child is, the mother sees the good and loves. Even when she sees the bad, she still loves, it's just more painful. It's difficult to see that God loves me that unconditionally, but He does.

Books and Movies

Finished Silas Marner. Really liked the values that Nancy represented: not pushing to have your way when it has been blocked more than three times, i.e. accepting it as the will of God, working so hard to love her husband and to SHOW her love in order to ease his pain over their childlessness. When Eppie doesn't want to be their adopted child, Nancy's conclusion is that now she and her husband can accept it as God's Will, look to all of their blessings, and be at peace at last. I think that Eliot felt that Nancy was too black and white. That's probably the thing that draws me to her and her way of living. Well, final conclusion is that I really liked Eliot's book and will read more of her work. I can see now why Silas Marner is on every high school reading list. It was beautifully written, full of thought provoking ideas and insights.

Last night I watched 48 hours and the sequel. I found myself growing really annoyed with Nolte's performance. He took the hard-boiled cop routine about 2 paces too far. I found him very unsympathetic. But then at the end he won me back both times by showing some humanity. I guess what it boils down to is that I don't like people who are mean. So sue me! :->

Silas Marner, Again

I'm about 2/3 of the way through Silas Marner, and I've fallen in  love with George Eliot.The first third of the book was really rough going. I found it to be almost a punishment to read. If I hadn't seen the Steve Martin film version, I don't think that I would have continued to read. I think the only thing that made me continue was the surety that there was happiness ahead. My hopes were well placed, once Marner meets Eppie, the book blossoms into joy.

On reflection, I understand why this is assigned reading in high school. Even the beginning the first part of the book is brilliant. Somehow Eliot manages capture Silas' descent from feeling betrayed by God and man, into being a miser and narrowing his life down into his desire to earn more gold, which closed down his soul.Reading it, I felt as trapped, hopeless, and dead inside as the main character. The author made me understand how a disordered appetite makes a human into a thing without hope, where everything serves the appetite. The appetite feeds on the victim's humanity until nothing is left but a husk.

Her portrayal of this dark path made the light that much brighter, when Silas discovers Eppie and through his love for her and the kindness of Dolly Winthrop, heal the wounds created by the betrayal of his friend William Dane. The loss of his gold makes him human to his community, so that they regard him in a kinder light. Once he opens his heart to Eppie, that love, and the friendship of his community open up his heart, mind, soul, and life. It was like walking through a dark tunnel, and then having light and a beautiful scene open up before me. I'm looking forward to the rest of the book, and I plan on reading more of her work.

Midsummer Night's Dream

Last night I watched a wonderful 1935 version of Midsummer Night's Dream. It starred James Cagney as Bottom, Mickey Rooney as Puck (I KNOW, but he was absolutely wonderful), and Olivia De Haviland as Hermia. Dick Powell, Joe E. Brown, and several other excellent actors were also in the play.

When I had ordered the DVD, I assumed that James Cagney would play Puck. I know that he would have been fantastic as Puck, but his Bottom was very good, very humorous, and when he had the head of an ass he had a certain (not overplayed) sadness. Mickey Rooney did a great job with Puck. Even though he was fifteen at the time the film was made, he seemed like a boy between 6 and 10. He plays the mischievous kid perfectly. He had a great laugh, but it got to be a little wearing by the end of the film. I would have liked more variation in that one area. Other than that, his performance was perfect. I'm not a Rooney fan, so this was a big surprise to me.

The sets and costumes were beautiful. It reminded me of films I've seen by Cukor, such as Beauty and the Beast. I particularly loved the costumes and choreography of the fairies. The only poor costume was the head of the ass. It was stiff, and the jaw didn't move correctly. Other than that and the laugh, I was mesmerized.

Woody Allen

Last night I watched Broadway Danny Rose and was impressed by the quality of the story and the filming. I have stayed away from Woody Allen since the Soon-Yi scandal, but on return, I have to admit to the quality of his work. To comfort me in his real life, I learned that Allen has been married to Soon-Yi for 16 years. It's still distasteful, but seems less like incest and more like a real relationship. As a caveat, his biological son won't see him.

So, is it okay for me to enjoy his work and deplore his actions? Do I deplore his actions? Soon-Yi was 19 when the affair began, and 20 when it was discovered. That doesn't sound like he could have coerced her into an unwanted relationship. I don't know the answers to my earlier questions. I just know that I want to see more of his films.

Timothy Treadwell

Last night I watched another documentary by Werner Herzog called Grizzly Man. It was about the life and death of Timothy Treadwell. Most of the documentary consisted of Timothy's videotapes of himself and his life among the grizzlies. There was some really touching footage of him playing with foxes who had grown to trust him, play with him, sleep next to him while he made video commentaries.

To me, he seemed almost like a child. Even his tone of voice seemed more like a child's than a man's. He would back a grizzly off, and then say, "I love you. I love you." From a description of a time when he received medication, and then rejected it because he felt he needed the extreme highs and lows to be himself, I assume that he was bipolar. He saw himself as the hero in a battle to protect the grizzlies from mankind. He was very sincere in this. I think maybe he sentimentalized the situation and saw himself as a kind of Christopher Robin in the 100 acre wood. He had no scientific education, and I think that this increased his naivete regarding the bears.

Herzog spoke with a Native American, who said that he felt that for Timothy to live among the grizzlies was disrespectful of them, and would lead to the grizzlies losing their fear of humans. This would make them more vulnerable to hunters. I had to agree with the Native American on both counts. There was a piece of Timothy's video which showed a photographic tour. When one of the grizzlies walked up to investigate, the people on the tour threw rocks at him. The bear cowered, but didn't run away, so they continued to throw rocks at him. Timothy was upset by this, but I felt that the bear was confused because of the time that he had lived around Timothy. If they had been a hunting tour, the bear would have been dead.

When Timothy and his girlfriend were killed, it was by bears that Timothy described as "scary, strange bears". He had gone back to his camp site after the bears he normally interacted with had gone to hibernate. Other bears had moved into the territory. One of them killed Timothy and his girlfriend. I don't know, maybe he never would have been killed by the bears that knew him.

Herzog believes that nature is chaotic and destructive. I believe that it is orderly, but bears are not social animals. They only get together to breed, when they are raising cubs, or when there are sources of food that force them to hunt in proximity to one another. Timothy appeared to believe that nature is friendly and ready to embrace him. He made great friends with the foxes, because they are social animals, and understand pack.

I know that he accomplished a great deal in creating public support for grizzlies, which he very much wanted to do. I believe that if he had fallen in love with wolves, or the foxes, or some other pack animal, then he would still be alive. However, because of his work with school children, we might see more protection of grizzlies in the future.

Fortnight for Freedom

Messed up yesterday and didn't post. So today I'm determined to get something down. I'm still so black/white that if I stop doing something for a couple of days, I probably won't ever do it again.

Read a beautiful post by a woman visiting her foster child in Nigeria. http://www.aholyexperience.com/2013/06/why-you-are-where-you-are-for-such-a-time-as-this/ I am totally convicted. I've known for a while that I live in the palace, but I forget that there are things I can do to help Mordecai. God, please help me to help.

Fasting today as the Church (there's only one capitol in my particular flock!) opens a fortnight of prayer and fasting that the government will back off from trying to force us to provide abortion and birth control as part of our insurance. If this law remains in place, the result will be that the Church will no longer be able to perform our corporal works of mercy: hospitals, adoption centers, schools, colleges, etc. I think that this move by government is directly fueled by an anti-Catholicism that reminds me of the beginning of Hitler's government's attacks on the Jewish people. I pray that God will turn their hearts, or barring that, that the U.S. will experience something like Atlas Shrugged. I don't think that people in this country realize how much good the Church does. I hope that our nation will understand the value of the Church's contributions and the unfairness of this prosecution and turn away from the relentless hostility that is so common today.

Bored vs. Action

I've been really bored and lonely the last couple of days. I think it's because I have been sitting in my house and not reaching out to anyone by phone. I've also been watching a LOT of TV. Hmph! Who would have thought these things would lead to loneliness and boredom? Not me! What's not so funny is that the lonelier and more bored I became, the less I was willing to break the cycle by doing something different. Today I have to leave the house for a doctor's appointment, so I hope that I will be a little more proactive. Also, since it's Wednesday, I'm on a fiction fast for Our Lady's intentions. That should break the cycle and at least pull me back into reality land.

This week I have gone shopping twice on the internet and spent about $100 each time. This is truly crazy on my part, as I am on a very strict budget. Fortunately, God is putting some extra money into my hot, little hands, so He is bailing me out. I hope I don't push His kindness too hard by continuing this behavior.

Well, enough of blogging. I'm going to go do my exercises, pray, and see if I can't get into a happier reality by doing positive actions. I'll bet that I can! :-> Can you spell take action? Of COURSE you can!

Rantings on 'What's the Matter with Kids Today'

God and the Machine just introduced me to a new Pantheos Catholic blogger, Simcha Fisher, http://www.patheos.com/blogs/simchafisher/2013/06/honk-honk/ She is really funny. I'm so looking forward to reading her posts.

Just realized that my cat has stolen my plastic web pot scrubber, and left it in the middle of my bed. No wonder I never seem to have one when I need it! However, it's also cheaper than most 'real' cat toys. On the horns of a dilemma here! Dilemma solved. She started playing with it and how can I deny her something that makes her look so cute and loveable? I'll just get another one and hide it in the cupboard under the sink. 

I'm having a difficult time getting into the writing gear, or the exercise gear, or the prayer time gear today. I've spent over an hour reading other people's blogs, and now I'm trying to do my daily writing assignment. I just don't have any ideas, so I'm writing about that. I'm putting fingers to the keyboard and typing whatever comes into my head. It's a good thing that no one reads this post, or they would write mean things in the comments column and I would feel diminished and sad. This way no one says anything and I immediately forget this post, and so have no feelings about it whatsoever.

When I was exploring Ms. Fisher's post, I had the misfortune to read some of the comments. People implied that a woman is dumb because she has 6 kids, is from Texas, and so on. Why do these people even read her blog if they are so hostile to the things that she's believes? I don't understand why they feel that being mean is clever. It's as though we have raised a bunch of sociopaths who know they are entitled to pull the wings off of other peoples' dreams. They think that being negative and ugly makes them clever and witty. [note: while rereading this, I realized that I understand perfectly why they believe this. I used to believe it, too, when I was in my late teens and early twenties. Maybe it's just part of being a kid?]

I remember thinking I was really cool when I repeated, "Never trust anyone over thirty." Then one day I was over thirty and that quote wasn't cool anymore. Is that what is going to happen to these people? Are they going to get old and fat and 'ugly' and experience having their own hearts butchered for someone else's amusement? Will they be able to develop empathy then?

Maybe the source of this exceptional cruelty is the complete 360 degree protection afforded to this generation? They're almost all single kids or one of a pair. Their parents have focused their own lives around protecting and pleasing these kids, so they've know very little denial. Their parents, the entertainment media, and the school system are centered around convincing these kids that they are special, winners, wiser than any adults, constantly entertained, and protected from any pain or criticism. Is it any surprise that they don't develop the capacity to be merciful to people who are less than perfect? How could they learn compassion when it requires understanding what it is like to be vulnerable and hurting?

Well, even though we may be poorly prepared for it, life has a way of knocking down any sand castles we may build. Sooner or later these kids will have to grow up and learn that they are garden variety human beings, rather than demi-gods and goddesses. Painful though that process is, it will make their lives richer, because they will learn to be considerate to others rather than to hurt them for fun. 

Statistics and Taking the Bitter with the Sweet

Well, today I tried out my 95% theory on the young man who took my groceries to the car. We were talking about his work, and he mentioned that he really likes the nice customers. I said, "I'll bet that 90% (see I was low-balling here!) of your customers are nice, aren't they?" There was dead silence. Then I said, "What would you say are nice." He replied, "70%, but you are very nice." Sweet boy, but he blew my statistics out of the water. I'm going to file it under Schroedinger's Cat, and keep relying on my own statistic.

What is it about a baby's laugh that is so infectious? I was just watching a video of two toddlers (?still bald and in diapers, but standing up) playing with rubber bands and cabinet door knobs. They would put the rubber bands on the door knobs, and laugh like crazy! Sometimes, they would fall down and laugh. Sometimes they would pop the rubber bands and laugh, and sometimes the bands would just fall on the ground and they would laugh. Watching the video made me smile, and eventually laugh out loud. The person videotaping them began to laugh, and then the kids REALLY started laughing. They would look up at the person filming them and laugh, and it was obvious that sharing the joke made it more pleasurable to them. All in all, it was a delightful two or three minutes. I wish everyone could have a laughing baby in their lives at least once a week. Of course then we'd probably have to endure a crying baby in our lives, too. As a friend once told me, you have to take the bitter with the sweet. (But I'm convinced that it is sweet 95% of the time! snicker!)

Pot-luck

Just finished reading my niece-in-law's blog on her 3 yr old's adjustment to being the big brother of twin brothers. It made me laugh out loud several times. Especially when his mom is telling him that all mammals feed their young breast milk and he asks if they take off their clothes to do it. There is nothing like a little kid to make a person laugh with joy and tear out their hair with frustration! What a gift they are.

I am re-watching all of Ridley Scott's movies, because he's such a great film maker. Last night I finished watching American Gangster with Russell Crowe and Denzel Washington. What a wonderful movie that is. Washington and Crowe are both excellent actors, and I ended up rooting for both of them, even though they're on the opposite sides of the good guy/bad guy struggle. The film itself was so well done. The storey is interesting, too. Crowe's character is an exemplary cop, who finally puts Washington's character in prison. He gets Washington's character to give evidence and they put 3/4 of the NYPD narcotics division in prison for breaking the law. They end up with more than 155 convictions. Crowe's character works as a lawyer for the prosecution, including the case that convicts Washington's character. Then Crowe's character goes to work as a defense lawyer and takes on Washington's character's case. This could only happen in real life. It's would be too much to believe if it was fiction. The guy Crowe was playing must have had a really brilliant mind to be a success in all three careers.

All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well

Just a tiny little comment on my post from yesterday. Remember the "95% of what we worry about never happens" statistic? Well, I was watching a David Attenborough special Polar Bear: Arctic Warrior. They were showing a polar bear hunting a baby seal who was hidden under the snow. The hunt failed - yea, David!-and they mentioned that only one in twenty of these hunts are successful. That means that the polar bear only kills a baby seal 5% of the time-ha!

What shall I write about today? I don't have a clue! You know that famous shot in Al Gore's special on global warming - the polar bear is on a tiny ice flow, and we're being told how global warming has stranded it? Well, I found out from the Attenborough video that polar bears can EASILY swim 100 miles, so that bear probably wasn't as stranded and forlorn as we were led to believe. People in the US have tender hearts, which are easily stirred to protective instincts. I wish that we were being led in a truth-based fashion. 

I guess my concerns about this probably fall in the 95% that never happens, though. We're also not stupid. They can't fool all of the people all of the time. In thinking that I know what's going on, I'm no less misinformed than the artists who think the ordinary people don't like their art because they are stupid. 

I have to remember that I don't have special knowledge either. As Julian of Norwich said, "All shall be well, and all shall be well, and all manner of thing shall be well." I want all things to be well. I don't want to worry about the state of the nation, or worry that the US is working their way into persecuting the Church. My program tells me to avoid negative thinking, to keep my eye on my employer (my Higher Power, God), and to try and do His Bidding. It tells me that God-reliance is the posture of strength, not weakness. On the contrary, self-reliance leads only to fear. When I remember these things, I am instantly taken out of the 'fussy' feeling of worrying about the future. I feel free again, and peaceful.

Sophistication, or Just Plain, Old Negativity?

Last night I watched two nature films. The first one was about flamingos in Africa, The Crimson Wing: Mystery of the Flamingos. It was rivetingly beautiful, but about half-way through the filmmaker began focusing on the chicks who had built up crippling salt deposits on their legs, and the chicks that were being killed by storks and eagles. There were approximately 250,000 chicks to film, but rather than filming the healthy, thriving chicks, we saw the chicks dying, being left behind, being killed, or being left to starve alone because of the salt deposit buildup. So rather than focus on what's right with the world, the filmmaker focused on what is wrong with the world. Our intellectuals are completely infected with this pseudosophistication of believing that they are more aware/honest/sophisticated because they have gnosis (secret wisdom) that the pathetic bourgeois who want to see the happy side of life are too dumb to appreciate. 

The second film I saw was by Werner Herzog, Encounters at the End of the World. It was just as beautiful, but not so obsessively occupied with the "red in tooth and claw" aspect of nature. Was that because he doesn't have anything to prove, or because the Antarctic has fewer opportunities to show seals and penguins being killed or dying?

 I think that the driving force for the negativity is part of a spiritual illness in the arts community as a whole. The visual artists focus on the ugly, proclaiming that art is only art if it is different from everything that proceeded it. For some reason, the only new things seem to be ugly. The film artists focus on the dark side, with members of every earlier white culture portrayed as filthy, having terrible dental hygiene, greedy, prone to rape, dressed in ragged, dirty clothing, and hairy. Remarkably, most women and members of other races are clean, intelligent, and have acceptable values. Musical artists are pretty much wrapped in rap. Rather than being sophisticated, artists are the victims of a spiritual/mental illness that is close to or equal to despair/depression. The world is just not that bad a place. It is full of light, love, and joy, even when bad things happen to good people and good animals.

I would love to see some real artistic sophistication, where people think outside the box, and see the world for the beautiful place that it is, and always has been. I heard a statistic once, 95% of the things we worry about never happen. Well, a correlation to that would be that when bad things happen, they only happen about 5% of the time, so the world is beautiful, nature is mostly pink in tooth and claw, most of the babies are going to survive, and most of the people in the past were clean, reasonable, and kind, just as they are today. 

Is it real, or is it Memorex?

I was reading The Anchoress' blog about Mother Dolores Hart and her book, The Ear of the Heart. I was thinking about the Mother Superior sending Dolores back to the world when she first expressed an interest in the religious life, so that Dolores would be able to come back from a successful career, have something to offer. Then when Dolores returns, the superior sends her back to the world for another five months so that she could tie up any loose ends and 'enter the cloister honestly'. I read this and flashed back to my own entrance to religious life, where I left in the middle of the night and was trying to escape my night terrors and delusions. I never did honestly enter the cloister. I didn't want to stay there for the rest of my life, only until I could sleep without fear. At every decision point I prayed that the nuns would send me home. I came up with reason after reason for them to send me home. I wonder why I believe that I have a vocation now? Is it real, or am I trying to escape from something again? My meditation this morning was on giving myself totally to the Sacred Heart of Jesus. I try, but without emotion. Is my attempt real, or more delusion? I'm not sure, and can only pray for guidance. Am I just over analyzing? Stay tuned!

It's Great to Have a Program

Well, the discussion with my sponsor both surprised me and told me what I expected to hear. My sponsor said that what I was doing was the work of a counselor, not a sponsor. She is going to try and find phone numbers for groups who would be able to offer low-cost counseling to my sponsee. My sponsor suggested that I have my sponsee do some fourth step work on this issue, so that she can explore the behavior, why she has it, and then get help from her Higher Power to overcome it. I'll tell you what, my sponsor is absolutely wonderful. She is so wise and kind.

I am so grateful that I am an alcoholic, and have this program to help me live a life of usefulness to God and my fellows. It gives me access to daily help and feedback from my sponsor. It also gives me a solid guideline on how to live, how to clean up the wreckage of my using past (and sometimes the wreckage of my sober past-I'm definitely a slow learner, especially in the area of work). It gives me a wonderful fellowship to be part of, and allows me to help others.Over the last 20 years, it has taught me how to live a contented useful life, and given me a relationship with God that I desired when I was still drinking, and was totally incapable of obtaining. I have so much to be grateful for!

To Push or Not To Push

I think that I may be dominating one of my sponsees. This thought makes me extremely uncomfortable, because it means that I need to stop pushing her to do something that I think is absolutely central to her recovery. I have to accept that she may continue in a self-destructive activity, and that it's not my job to prevent her. While I'm writing this, I'm wondering if I need to continue. The activity really is self-destructive and addictive. I'll have to talk it over with my sponsor and I know that she will tell me to stop. I'll turn it over to God and hope that I do His Will.

I found BooMama's blog and I LOVE reading it. She is the best!

Well, I'm quitting for now. I have to get ready for my group.

Corapi, Boomama, and George Eliot

This morning I was reading about John Corapi, and his use of sex, drugs, money, etc. It triggered a lot of sadness in me. I had always loved his forthright style of preaching. His comment that our "mother wears army boots" resonates within me today. I remember him saying that a woman came up to him and complained about his comments on women, and he told her that she is in a state of mortal sin, due to something involving sexual sin, and that's why she didn't like what he had to say. It really saddens me to learn that he was living in sin with a woman at that time. I also think back on how adamant he was that we needed to buy his tapes directly from him, that none would be sold as part of the package for the weekend. At the time his emphatic and repetitive comments on this struck me as odd, now I suspect that he used the money from his tapes for his own purposes. Poor man! I hope that he is able to find his way back to God and to obedience to his religious superiors. If not, I hope that he is able to straighten out his life and come back to accord with the Church, and with God. I'll add him to my prayer lists.

On a happier note, I found out that my favorite entertainment blogger, Boomama, aka Sophie Hudson, has written a book, which I am looking forward to reading. With a title like A Little Salty to Cut the Sweet: Southern Stories of Faith, Family, and Fifteen Pounds of Bacon how can I not like the book? I'll wait until I can get it on paperbackswap, but I'm looking forward to reading her stories.

Well, I'm off to the library to pick up a copy of Silas Marner. I watched a modernized version of it (starring Steve Martin! but he did a great job) the other night and enjoyed it so much that I thought I would give the book a try. I don't know if it's an effect of my bipolar medications, or an effect of aging, but I'm finding that I enjoy a lot of movies, television shows, and books that I had previously disliked. Since my only contact with this book was high school English, I'm hoping that I will find out that I like George Eliot. My friend, Sandie, says that I will really enjoy reading Eliot's books. Stay tuned for surprising results! :->

Oblate program

I spoke with Sr. Mary John today. I'm encouraged that this will be the right path for me. Balance was a recurring theme in our conversation. Since I struggle with keeping my balance every day, this is something that I look forward to working on with her. We will have a retreat July 19 - 21. It will be nice to see the convent again.

The main emphasis of the oblate prayer life is the Church's Liturgy of the Hours. It will feel odd to pray that again. It will be worth it if I can deepen my relationship with God. I write that as though I dislike the Liturgy, but I was always comfortable with it.What I meant was praying the Liturgy in preference to the Rosary. I'll bet that it isn't an either/or situation.

Blogging to be blogging!

I forgot to blog yesterday, so today I wanted to be sure to write something, so I can keep my promise to myself of writing everyday. I'm pretty much an all-or-nothing kind of gal, so if I don't keep up, I'll just quit. Blogging seems to be a good mental and emotional health exercise for me, so I definitely want to keep going with it. Sometimes I worry that I will bore my "readers", but A) I probably don't have any, and B) if they get bored then they can always stop reading and C) if they are too compulsive to stop reading, then I hope that they are working with a mental health care professional because they sound a lot like me!

A few days ago, I decided to fast from fiction on Wednesdays and Fridays for the Blessed Mother's intentions. I was really dreading it, because I don't like reading non-fiction, and I assumed that I wouldn't enjoy documentaries on television. Without something like these two things to pass the time, I go stir crazy. In His Mercy, God made me LOVE the documentaries I have watched. I find them peaceful and relaxing. So far I have followed a surfer/mountain climber to Patagonia. It was so beautiful! The world is such a wonderful thing. I have also watched a Navajo girl compete for Miss Navajo, which was very interesting and compelling. Yesterday, I learned about women computers who calculated ballistics trajectories for the United States during World War II. I came away understanding why Truman dropped the bomb. I also watched a beautiful documentary on the oldest human drawings - 32,000 years old! - in Chauvet cave in France. It was called Cave of Dreams. The drawings were mesmerizing. I could have done without the white crocodiles at the end, but he can't help it if he doesn't really understand science. The rest of the film was great.

So once again, a gracious God outdoes me in generosity. It's lovely to be loved so deeply, and cared for so tenderly! I'm like a chick under his downy wing. So much to be grateful for!

New great-nephews and improvements in my 'learn to see shades of gray' abilities

My nephew and his wife have said hello to their twins this morning. I'm glad that everyone is alright, and I'm sad for my niece, in that she really didn't want to have a c-section. I hope that she has plenty of support and help while she heals. I pray that she doesn't have to go through postpartum depression and that she is able to really enjoy her three sons. I also hope that Thomas is able to make the transition to big brother smoothly.

Last night I watched a wonderful film, called 180(degree sign, can't figure out how to make it) South. It was a documentary of this man's trip to Patagonia to surf and climb a mountain that had only been climbed once before. I loved everything about it. The music was wonderful, the scenery was so beautiful, and the narrative was really interesting. I walked away remembering why the environmental ethos attracted me. One more good solid brick in my attempts to stop being so black and white.

I also watched a really neat documentary called Miss Navajo. It was about a girl competing for this title, and ended up being about all the girls competing for this influential post. They had to speak Navajo, be able to butcher and prepare a sheep and homemade tortillas. There was a lot of historical commentary from women who had been Miss Navajo. I really wanted the central girl to win, but she came in as first runner-up. However, her father said that she and her sister are taking their Navajo language acquisition more seriously and are becoming fluent in Navajo, so he feels that this has been a good experience for the family. I hope that she competes again and wins. I really liked her. She used the word simile correctly in answering a question about Changing Woman. I was so impressed by her humility and her intelligence. I think that she would make a great Miss Navajo.

One woman talked about how her grandmother tried to keep her daughter from attending the BIA school, because the grandmother was worried that the girl would lose her language and her culture. This is something that I always felt was silly, but watching the woman cry as she spoke about being separated from her family and being forced to scrub the floor with a toothbrush for speaking Navajo, I realized that there is nothing silly about it. I'm sure the people running this program thought that by immersing the students in the English language and forcing them to become fluent, they were doing the best thing for the students, but they weren't.  They were destroying the children's link with their past and their culture. Again, a brick in the shades of gray wall for me.

Rambling thoughts

Just read an article about how men in modern society aren't allowed to be manly, are penalized for it. How women are dominating in all professions, except the law. How men who aren't 'feminized' are being passed over and punished. It resonated for me because of what I have seen happen to my two younger brothers. I know that I am powerless over a social phenomenon, but I wish there was some way that I could see the day when society self-corrects and allows men the same freedoms that they demand for women.

When I went to the support group yesterday I was comforted and amazed. Listening to everyone talk about being arrested by the police while in their manic phase, or for acting out in anger, or being kicked out of their families, I realized how well off I am, and how well controlled my illness is by medications. I felt so grateful. It was also comforting to realize that I'm not the only one who struggles with depression. It was like an AA meeting, in that I was able to identify, which stopped me feeling alone.

Last night I watched an excellent movie with Gabriel Byrne, Laura Linney, and Steve Martin called A Simple Twist of Fate. I realized pretty quickly that it was a modernized version of Silas Marner. I had read the book in high school English, and hadn't liked it, but I'm going to reread it to see if 40+ years of maturity might not improve my understanding and enjoyment.

I also watched and enjoyed 12 Angry Men. Excellent performances by some great actors, and some actors that I had never before considered particularly talented. The story was compelling, and I loved the ending, which I felt really drove home the point that this was a story about Everyman and his duty, and how that duty is one of the things that really sets out our freedom.

The third film I watched was Point of No Return. I've seen this film before. It's an American remake of the French film, La Femme Nikita. I love both films, but La Femme is by far my favorite. Watching Point last night, I was struck by how much better it was than I had previously thought. Well worth the price of admission!

Self-hypnosis

My niece is awash with fear as she awaits the birth of twin boys. I want to reach out and comfort her, tell her that everything is going to be alright, and that God will give her and Paul the graces they need to do the tasks in front of them. I don't say anything because I don't want to offend her or make her feel put down. I wish that I were wiser and knew what to say in these situations. I feel like she is hypnotizing herself with negative thinking. She is focusing on everything that can go wrong and ignoring that it may also go right. Even while I'm writing this, I can see that prayer is the solution to everything.

I can give myself the same lecture. I've been imagining that I will continue to gain weight and become housebound or have to live in a long term care facility. I have been imagining that I will have mini-strokes and be unable to enjoy reading or movies and tv serials. I have been imagining that my sister is angry with me for some unknown reason, and that's why she hasn't called me. I've been hypnotizing myself with much less reason than my niece has.

Today, I'm going to go to a self-help group at the counseling center. I'm nervous, because I don't know how these groups work, or what behavior is required. I'm afraid that I will get nothing out of it, and/or that I will commit such an egregious mistake that I will become persona non grata. Writing my fears down helps me to see that this is another area that I have been hypnotizing myself into expecting the worse.

In conclusion, I think my niece and I are suffering from the fear of the unknown. We have been so focused on what can go wrong that we forget that there is an equal chance that everything will go right. Nothing can separate us from the love of God.

Shades of Gray

Well, I already stopped following my daily schedule. It lasted until after my outdoors time, and then I just ignored it. Maybe it was too complicated (28 different things). Today, I'm going to try to do the things on it and see where it goes.

I have a real problem with balance. I tend to see things in black and white, go full out at anything that I get interested in, and then wonder why I'm worn out, or why I'm banging my head against the real world. I'm trying to incorporate more gray in my life, by which I mean that I'm trying to SEE that not all things are yes/no. It's really hard for me, but I know that it will be worth it, because I'll see God's world more accurately.

Obviously God is adept at shades of gray. One only has to look at people like Adam, Noah, Abraham, Peter, etc. to see that God is really forgiving and generous, and doesn't demand perfection. He just demands an effort and our love. He knows that we're going to fail, over and over again. He knows the worst sin we will ever commit, and He is willing to die on a cross for us. I want to have that same generosity, which means that I will need to see the good in the worst of us, and the bad in the best of us.

I guess being willing to go back to the schedule without the perfectionism is a good place to start my view of the gray side of me!

Today is the first day of the rest of my life

I've been in a big slump the last few months. I haven't been doing anything, except reading or watching tv. A week ago I started sitting outside, which helped my mood. I developed prickly heat, which wouldn't go away, so I had to give up my outdoor time so that it could clear up. Yesterday, I realized that I'm becoming very vague, and I'm having difficulty focusing and following events, so I know I need to have some discipline and start more actively participating in life. I'm going to start going to daily mass, praying my rosary, and sitting outside again. I'm also going to start blogging every day. Not because I have that much to say, but because it will be good mental exercise.

Today, I also start following my daily schedule, so that should be fun.

Songcatcher, Cat in Paris

Yesterday, I watched two beautiful films.

Film 1 was Songcatcher, and it was about the academic discovery of the ballads of the Scottish people who had immigrated to the Appalachian mountains and handed their songs down to their children. The story was engrossing, and the music was superb. The cinematography was lovely, with the same type of richness that Merchant Ivory used in Room with a View. In typical modern film, they had to have a feminist and a gay couple, but they weren't as heavy handed about it as some films I've seen, so it didn't distract from the story.

Film 2 was a stunning animated feature called Cat in Paris. The story was so-so, but the visual values were marvelous! It was like watching a series of exquisitely colored chalk drawings. The cat reminded me strongly of Laurel Burch's cats, and the humans were reminiscent of Modigliani. Modigliani has never been one of my favorite artists, but last night I saw how his paintings really could reflect people, and I think this film gave me a better understanding of why he chose to portray them in that style.

Went to a meeting tonight

Tonight I made it to a 12 step meeting for the first time in a couple of months. I am so glad that I went! I was able to see some old friends (some of them 20 years!), and some new friends, and I picked up a temporary sponsee, which will help my own program.

The topic of the meeting was step 7 and that means that the topic of the meeting was humility: its necessity in our lives, the way living without humility leads to unhappiness for me and the people around me, the way I struggle against learning humility until I get it that humility is the only road to peace and contentment. It was a really good reinforcement of the idea that I need to actively seek humility, not just practice acceptance, but actively seek opportunities to rely on God, rather than myself. Not just practice acceptance, I need to actively work towards knowing that every step I take away from self is a step towards God and His Will. Now being an alcoholic, I'm going to find a way to screw this up, if I allow myself to over analyze it, so I am going to work towards acceptance and doing God's Will, and trust that my Higher Power, whom I choose to call God, will make me whatever He Wants me to be.

Depression

I have been going through an adjustment of my meds, because I was experiencing hypomania. Over the last few days, I have been experiencing some depression. It has been a clear reminder of what it is like to spend some time in Purgatory. I can't imagine how I was able to survive this for months before receiving effective treatment.

It mostly crescendos at night, after a day of feeling down, counting every mistake I ever made, running them through the hands of my mind as though they were golden coins and I was a miser. During the day, I fight the good fight and lose, at night, I get a quick visit to hell where I feel the panic of being trapped in how I am feeling forever.

Today, I called my doctor and left a message. I am hoping that he will call me back and tell me to go back up on my anti-depressant. Mania has it's own purgatory, but I don't think I can last out this one for very long. I am so grateful for my meds and the fact that they are able to control this disease in me. I don't know how people survived this before these meds were invented. I don't know how I survived it before. I think God Blessed me and kept me in His Hand. Otherwise I would have killed myself.

What a surprise - the daily struggle has returned (or a funny thing happened on the way to Heaven)

I've been struggling with sinus, or a cold, or a very mild case of food poisoning for the past three days. I used that as an excuse to skip my daily prayers. The results were exactly what one could expect - I am losing sight of the life that I have dedicated myself to lead. Today I awakened and have decided that if Saint Therese of the Child Jesus could pray and offer up her sufferings while she was dying of tuberculosis, I can certainly pray and offer up my little crosses while I get over whatever it is that I am experiencing. Just writing that makes me feel much better.

So, I'm going to embrace this little cross and try to get back to work for the BVM. God is GOOD!

33 Day Consecration to Mary

On Monday, the feast of the Annunciation, I consecrated myself to the Blessed Virgin Mary. I am very excited about this because it is the solution to my question of what path God Wants me to follow now that I'm not caring for Mom and I'm not working.

While caring for Mom, I very much wanted to go back to the convent. However, when I researched that, I quickly realized that my health would prevent me from ever being a candidate for formal religious life. I'm simply not up to that demanding way of life. After I quit working, I planned on going to daily mass, meetings, and exercise as a way of living, but struggled to meet the physical demands of even that life. Needless to say, I was feeling quite discouraged.

Then my sister, Moira, sent me a wonderful book called 33 Days to Morning Glory by Michael E. Gaitley. I read the book and I really believe it was God's Call to dedicate my life to serving Him by serving His Blessed Mother. I am so excited about this, that I am the punch line to every zealous novice joke that I ever heard in the convent (and believe me, I heard plenty, because I was pretty excited there, too! :->)

On Gaitley's recommendation to wear one at all times, I have purchased a Miraculous Medal which I wear as my insignia. It's the first "fancy" medal that I have ever owned. I am so happy, every time I look at it, because it reminds me of my path. I received the medal in time to begin wearing it on Easter Sunday. I feel so blessed to be able to say with Blessed John Paul II, "Totally Yours". Thank you God!

Waiting for news

I've been waiting to hear if my nephew passed his GED test today. I do so hope that God allowed him to pass it the first time. I don't want my nephew to feel discouraged or give up. Now that I have put this in writing, I realize that my viewpoint is patronizing. Devin's a man, and if he needs to take the test again, he will! I'm thinking of him as a little boy, who will give up.

I just finished reading a Louis L'Amour book about a native American test pilot who was captured and imprisoned by the Soviets and how he escaped to cross the Bering Sea. It was about 25% too long, but still enjoyable. As in most of the L'Amour books I have read the emphasis is on the hero overcoming the environment and evil men in order to survive and help others. I wish that he had shortened the details of the struggle to escape through Siberia, and put some details to the end of the story, and the hero's battle with the evil Yakut tracker, and how he is going to get back with his sweetheart. It seemed like L'Amour just got tired and stopped the story. Oh, well, can't have everything every time!

I don't want daylight savings time to start tomorrow. I just hate the time changes. They always knock me out for about a week. I will offer it up, though, and that will be something good out of it.

Today I watched a cheetah running in slow motion

Today I watched a slow motion video of a cheetah running after a lure. I was amazed at the beauty of the cheetah's muscles flexing under its skin, and the grace of its extending and contracting body and legs. When I see things like that I want to lift up my arms and praise God for the beauty of His creation. How blessed I am to have the gift of faith, which allows me to really appreciate the Maker in the midst of His makings!

I also saw a 16 year old sea otter who has been taught to play basketball in order to help minimize the effects of arthritis on his elbows. One of the most beautiful aspects of Creation is some people's love of animals. So often I focus on the sorrows, such as abuse of animals, children, women, minorities, etc. In reality, the positive and beautiful are so much more common than the negative and evil. It's like my favorite statistic that 95% of what we worry about never comes true. I'm not saying that evil doesn't exist, I'm just saying that it's not as common as the devil would love to have us think. Bad things do happen to good people, but good things happen so much more frequently. And good things happen even to bad people. God's mercy is so strong and prevalent. As He says, His punishment is to the 3rd and 4th generation, but His mercy is to the 1000th generation.

For today, I want my focus to be on what's right in the world. There's just so much good out there. Why am I not praising God every moment?

Ferris Bueller

Okay, now that I got all of that ranting out of my system in the last post, I can be happy again. I have been following BooMama's entertainment posts through Pioneer Woman. A few weeks ago, BooMama was discussing John Hughes films and recommended Ferris Bueller, among others. http://thepioneerwoman.com/entertainment/2011/08/my-eight-favorite-john-hughes-films/
I watched Ferris for the first time last night, and I really enjoyed it. I thought that the writing, directing, and Matthew Broderick's and Alan Ruck's performances were absolutely enjoyable. Ferris is what everyone wants to be, and his friend is what most of us are. I have the other 7 films in my queue, and I look forward to seeing them.

I'm Tired of the Politically Correct-this is a diatribe

When I was young, I was a complete adherent to the dogma that a woman can do anything a man does and do it better. When people tried to disagree with me, I assumed that it was because they had been "brainwashed" by "society", and that they couldn't help themselves. Now I think that I was the one who had been brainwashed by a destructive form of rhetoric. I was politically correct and anyone who disagreed with me was simply wrong.

Now I see the realities that I once dreamed of on TV, movies, novels, etc., and I think about my brothers and nephews and wonder why it's okay to make fun of white, heterosexual males, the elderly, fat people, and women, like Sarah Palin, who aren't politically correct. Just imagine the firestorm that would descend if someone had called Hilary Clinton "Redneck Barbie" during her run for the presidency! Or what would have happened if someone created a children's movie in which the girls don't rescue the boys, in fact, gasp!, the boy rescues the girl! Why is it less demeaning for the girl to always rescue the boy, than it is for the boy to always rescue the girl? Why are we brainwashing our boys and men to think that they are always going to the butt of every sitcom joke? That they are never as bright or competent as a woman? Why is it never okay for the woman to be soft, and to have a man who does everything he can to cherish her and take care of her?

Why do we believe that 100 pound women are able to pound 200 pound + men into the ground, even if they are equally matched in fighting abilities? If the disparate sizes were both men, this would never fly - unless one were Jet Li and the other a bad man who hadn't spent his entire life practicing martial arts.

Why do we believe that Native Americans were absolutely pure and that all evil was on the side of the whites? We have people in today's society that torture others as a form of entertainment, and we call them serial killers, gangs, triads, mafia, etc. Why do we hold a society up for emulation that made a ritual of death by torture? Why do we insist that cultures that condoned cutting off a woman's nose for adultery were matriarchal cultures? It was so refreshing to see Lonesome Dove and it's prequels and sequels, and to have them address the battles between Anglos and Native Americans realistically and without judgement on either side.

Why does our society weep as a nation when a small child is kidnapped, tortured, murdered, but when a fetus is ripped limb from limb, we stoutly adhere that it's none of our business? I know that as a nation, this country has a truly soft heart. We can see it anytime the helpless come to our attention. We weep with the suffering. But then in a completely schizophrenic split, we defend abortion as a solution to an awkward pregnancy. Why are we always told about women dying in 'back street abortions', but no one mentions the fact that right now in a legal atmosphere there are thousands of botched abortions, women and girls die every day from post-abortion problems, the devastating effect that abortion has on a woman's mental and physical health?

I think that the real problem is that the politically correct stances on various issues are always based on at least one lie. The lie that underpinned my feminism was the myth that if I put a woman up against a man (in a physical confrontation), and both were equal in their training, musculature, etc, then the man couldn't out-perform the woman. I now know that given absolute equality in everything, the man would out perform the woman because of the differences in our physical makeup. The lie that underpins the myth of Native American nobility is a European romanticism of the "noble savage" and the leftist dogma that the whites who moved West were all degenerate, racist, rapists who had no self-control or moral constraints. The lie that underpins the demand for legalized abortions is the idea that carrying a child for 9 months will somehow destroy a woman's life, and that legalized abortions are always safe, convenient, and hygienic.  The lie behind the girl always rescuing the man in modern entertainment is the idea that if the girl sees women being rescued, she will automatically grow up passive, weak, and inferior, and that the boys will grow up believing themselves superior to girls.

33 Days to Morning Glory

I've started a 33 day consecration to Jesus through Mary, using 33 Days to Morning Glory by Michael E. Gaitley, MIC. I'm on day 2, and so far the book has been very inspiring for me. I really enjoyed his discussion of the "wild-men [Celtic] warriors" that Saint Lois de Montfort was descended from. Since I am the proud grandchild of Scottish immigrants who homesteaded in eastern Colorado, and built up a sheep ranch, I resonated when he spoke about the remarkable courage of the Celts. I hope that I am able to engage that berserker mentality in my quest to get the most out of this retreat and the consecration that waits at the end.

I know that Tolkien's discussion in the Lord of the Rings trilogy about how every spiritual journey has to go through long times of boring flat lands is true. I'll happily store up the excitement I've felt the last two days against the days of monotony ahead.

Seduced by the "Gentle Reader" or How I ended up on the Jerry Springer show

I think that I'm starting to understand why youngsters (in my world view this means anyone under 40) end up posting/sharing/videoing tremendously personal information/moments on the Internet for all the world to see. When I was a career adviser at the university, I was always shocked when young adults posted really personal information/photos on their face book page, or uploaded potentially embarrassing videos to the web, where their prospective employers could view their drunken monologue about what a jerk their current boss is, see them in the wet tee shirt contest, etc. I never grasped why people would go on a show like Oprah, or Jerry Springer, and reveal humiliating and private information.

I get it now - they have been seduced by the Gentle Reader. Blogging is like living in a huge city, such as New York or Hong Kong. The very size of the population gives a person the illusion of complete anonymity. No one will know or care, because no one is paying attention. When blogging one also has the seduction of the imaginary audience who sees, hears, understands, and appreciates whatever one happens to be sharing. In the days of Jane Austen, that person was the Gentle Reader.

I find that I have fallen under the spell of the Gentle Reader. Throughout the day I think about things that happen to me and ways I could write about them. It makes me more aware of my life, because I have this anonymous, compassionate witness who never condemns me for writing poorly or being boring. On the other side of this coin, I also know, and count on, the fact that due to the staggeringly large number of people sharing on the internet, I am as likely to have someone read my blog as I am to be hit by a piece of space debris. It's very freeing (especially since I'm not looking for work).

I imagine that the people on Jerry or Oprah are just like me, only more so. I suspect that they are residents of large cities, and their personal sense of anonymity is so large that they feel unrestrained even in the venue of a television audience. After all, no one THEY know is going to be watching, so why should they worry about what people think? But don't worry, Gentle Reader, we would have to develop a long relationship before I could take my personal quirks on local tv, let alone national!

Spring and the Pope

Another beautiful day here in Southeast Missouri. The wind is blowing and making my bell chime ring. I can hear it while I'm blogging. I love the sound. The sound it makes is similar to those wind chimes made from metal pipes that are several feet long. I love the deep resonance of the notes, and my bell chime is similar, though not so deep.

I really love spring. It is my favorite season. I love the new leaves, the flowers, the singing birds, the wind, the increasing length of the days. I love the temperatures, which are ideal-balmy during the day, and cool at night. Mostly, I like the sense of hope. I always want to plant flowers in the spring, but when summer comes I don't want to water them, because I'm too warm. Then I feel guilty when the flowers are struggling. I actually imagine the flowers' feelings of abandonment as I walk past them into the house. (Can you spell codependent? How about neurotic?) Anyway, I have finally learned to "think the flower through" and save myself from MONTHS of guilt by not planting in the spring. I just realized that I never feel guilty for not watering my lawn. I wonder if that's because I didn't plant it. I must be of the ancient oriental belief that if I plant a flower I make myself responsible for it's life.

Father was talking about the Pope's resignation today at mass. He reminded us of the Pope's humility in giving up the power of the papacy. He linked that back to the gospel reading about how the devil tempted Christ in the desert. Father said that sin is always beautiful. I have heard this concept before, but never so succinctly put. Sin is always beautiful, but it's wage is death. Father also pointed out that everything the devil offered Christ was temporary, that none of it lasted. That's true for me, too. When temptation comes to me, it is always disguised as a good, and it is of no lasting value. If I reach for it, I will die or Christ will die for me. The Pope has refused to reach for the illusion of being indispensable. I hope that this Lent will teach me to discern between evils, which are always disguised as goods, and true goods. I hope I will learn to reach for the true goods, rather than the temporary 'goods' of temptations.

If you read this, then thank you for being my imagined audience for today. Happy spring and happy Lent!

Learning to write

I'm starting this blog because one of my brothers thinks that I should write. (He thinks I'm funny, sometimes when I'm trying to be. Bless his heart!) Anyway, between his encouragement and being inspired by Pioneer Woman's blog and my niece-in-law's beautiful writing at The Narrative Heiress, I was inspired to at least practice writing using a blog. We'll see where it takes me. Right now, I'm thinking that it will be an interesting way to journal.

So what's happening with me right now? I have been granted disability, so I can stop worrying about having an income stream. What surprised me was that I spent the week after the notification worrying about everything under the sun. On reflection, I think I was in the habit of worrying and was anxious because there was nothing to worry about. I'm starting to get my balance back, and am more relaxed this week.

For Lent I am adding positive habits to my life. Of course I had a list of habits as long as the congressional records, but with the help of a friend, I narrowed the list to the top three activities that I have wanted to add to my life since I was laid-off. So I'm going to daily mass and exercising M-F, and going to two AA meetings a week. I started yesterday, and am really excited about this. It addresses mental, physical, and spiritual health, and I think it's a good spiritual exercise.

When I practiced the pool walking yesterday, something was really giving me stuff to offer up (another good spiritual exercise!). There were some college boys playing water volleyball, and some other boys playing basketball. Because of the way the pool is set up I had walk between the two, and circle the volleyball 'court'. During the 50 minutes I was in the pool, both walking and resting, I was hit 4 times with the volleyball! Boy! was I grumpy by the end of the walk! I didn't think of offering it up at the time, but I had made my morning offering so it was taken care of. Since I was so grumpy about it, it's debatable how much I grew from the experience. Oh, well, baby steps!

I heard birds chirping outside my window this morning! I love spring, and it looks like we're going to have an early one this year! I can hardly wait to hear all the song birds!